Nine months

Dear Ryan,
Tomorrow you will be 9 months old and it aches in my heart that you are not growing up in my arms. I may not write as much anymore or talk about you as much, but I can promise that I still love, think of you all the time and ache to have you here with us. I am looking at a family picture right now from when you big brother was right around nine months and I wonder if you would look like him. Would you have the same fine hair or the same blue eyes? You had his mouth, that perfect sweet mouth. How I wish I could hold you right now, hug you tight, whisper in your ear that "mommy loves you". I wish I could watch you sleep tonight. But enough wishing, my wishes came true while I held you in my arms, no amount of time would have ever been enough. May you continue to watch over us from heaven and feel our love radiating to you.
Love,
Mommy


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The Redeemer

So, my four year old has a new favorite song. He wants to listen to it every morning and every afternoon (and would listen to it more, if I would let him). He sits in the back seat of my car and sings along to all of the words. Everyday, I listen to the words and realize how through his favorite song, I am receiving a daily message to guide me through my journey.


The Redeemer
~Sanctus Real

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new