Where has a year gone? A year ago, I was still an innocent mom. A mom who thought every thing would be okay because I made it through the first trimester. Excited to find out if I would have another son or a daughter, but oblivious to what could be discovered. Diagnosis day was devastating, heart wrenching, traumatic and numbing. And it still feels like yesterday.
The anniversary of the day we were told of Ryan's diagnosis is bringing an overwhelming flood of emotions that I was not expecting. The memories of that day, the moments, the words, they haunt me. I remember joyfully sharing my sonogram pictures, leaving voicemails for my husband with boys names that I liked, and then getting a voicemail from my doctor asking for me to call her on her cell and my life changed forever.
The moments during that phone call, the empathy in my doctor's voice, the words she said. I remember sitting there writing words down as she said them. As I wrote the word "fatal" my heart shattered. I remember calling my coworker, and struggling to say the words. How do you explain that the child you are carrying will die? Then how do you call your husband at work and tell him that his son will die? That moment, having to tell my husband, my best friend, the father of my child, there are not words to describe that moment.
I don't think I was prepared for this wave of memories and emotions. I guess I had myself fooled, thinking I had locked everything away in a safe place. The problem is that my heart is still shattered and anything that I lock in there can still leak out.
Ryan, there is not an hour that goes by that I don't think of you, miss you, wonder how different our lives would be if you were here with us. I love you.
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