Letter

Dear Ryan,

You amaze us. We have loved you from the moment we knew of you. Through the 7 months of pregnancy and the 2 amazing hours you spent with us, you have inspired us.

Ryan, you had a quiet but strong presence. We will always remember the reassuring sound of your hearbeat and the beautiful image of you on the sonogram. When you were born, you did not make a noise, but your presence was known. The warmth of your body and the breathes you took, are memories we will have forever. We are so proud of you and the fight and strength you demonstrated during your time with us. You have given us strength.

We wish our time with you could have been longer, but we will be forever grateful that you are part of our family. Please know that you have forever changed our lives and we are grateful that we were able to be your parents.

Your life has touched many and so many people love you. We will always carry you with us. Our love for your is beyond words.

Until we meet again.

Love,

Mom and Dad

Time

I had no intentions of writing this already, but I haven't been able to sleep much. I just keep thinking of Ryan and the memories I want to hold on to. So, I figured that by writing and sharing the story, I grasp the memories. I have written this over several days, often with tears but with a love for my son and family that cannot be explained.


Ryan's delivery date was scheduled just a few weeks ago for November 2nd, and although I hated to have a "countdown", I treasured the idea of how much time I had with Ryan. When we had the last sonogram, we knew that the time we were hoping for was likely limited, but we were still hoping for all the time we could have. As this whole journey has taught me, our plans are not our own.


Thursday, Sept. 16th, was when I realized that I would be saying goodbye to Ryan much sooner that I had ever imagined. On the drive home from work, while Sean was getting carsick in the backseat, I realized I was having contractions. Scott was at home, thankfully, due to some recent changes in his work schedule that would allow him to be with us more in the evening during what was anticipated to be the two months of my pregnancy. I called Scott before I got home to prepare him. I think I told him that I just wanted to give him a "heads ups", that Sean was throwing up and I was having contractions. I can't even imagine the thoughts that went through his mind! When we arrived at home, I decided I was going to lay down to see if the contractions would stop, because it wasn't November yet. After a little while, when they were staying at 5 minutes apart, I called my doctor and she told us to come to the hospital. So we made arrangements for Sean to stay with one of my coworkers for the evening and headed to the hospital.


Initially at the hospital, they were not able to pick up the contractions on the monitor and were hopeful that it was just "agitation" from a bladder infection. When the lab work came back fine, the monitor was adjusted multiple times and they were finally able to obtain an accurate reading of the contractions. At that point, the doctor tried some medications to stop the contractions and while they spaced out eventually, they never stopped. Since they were continuing, I was going to be admitted to the hospital overnight for observation. I was given a room number and everything was getting put together, when the nurse checked me one last time before sending me to the floor and determined that my water was leaking. Once that was confirmed, the decision was made for us, Ryan was going to be a September baby. All I remember then was looking at Scott with tears in my eyes, saying that I was not ready. It wasn't time, I was still supposed to have several weeks with Ryan. Scott left the room to make some phone calls and get some blankets from the car that were for Ryan. I remember just lying on the stretcher with the thoughts of I'm not ready running through my head. I had turned down the offer for pain medications the whole night, knowing that I didn't want to miss these moments, no matter how much they hurt. When I met with anesthesiology, I was given the option of some medications to help ease the experience, but I couldn't take them. I knew my time with Ryan was limited and I had to be present.


I wish I remembered more from the actual c-section, but I think my nerves took over during that time. I can say that Scott sat right beside me until the moment that Ryan was born at 1:55am. While that may not seem unusual for others, I have a husband who is fascinated with surgery, and watched the entire c-section when I had Sean. Fortunately, we had a friend who came to the hospital and was present in the OR to take pictures for us and provided us with some wonderful memories. I remember looking to the side at one point and seeing Scott holding Ryan and knowing that things were okay in the world. I remember seeing Ryan's face and knowing he was my son. The image of his mouth stays with me the most, he has the same mouth as his big brother. One of the most beautiful moments was seeing him open his mouth and take a breath. He never made a noise or opened his eyes, but at that moment I knew he was with us. We told him how much we love him and how proud of him we are. I remember looking at Ryan and Scott and just saying "its okay". I think for me that was my moment to tell Ryan it was okay to stop fighting and let Scott know that I was okay with letting go. There were moments that were really hard for Scott because he was worried that Ryan had already died before I got to hold him and I wanted Scott to know that while it hurt, I knew that Ryan had a grand destination ahead of him. Scott told me several times, that Ryan had weight to him, and when I got to hold him after the c-section, he was right. Ryan had presence. His body may have been small, but he was present and had weight in this world.


I was able to continue to hold Ryan when we were moved from the OR to a labor and delivery room. Once we got to the room, the nurse checked and Ryan still had a heart beat. He had continued to fight and I was able to hold my son while he was with us in this world. The time with Ryan was almost a blur. I just remember holding him with Scott beside me and talking to him. Reminding him that he has a big brother who loves him and reminding him how much his mom and dad love him. We would talk about what a fighter he is and how we are pretty sure he is stubborn (Scott said like his mom, but I think he gets it equally from both of us). Just being present with him was amazing, most of the time, words didn't need to be said.


At 3:52am, the nurse checked Ryan again and his heart had stopped. When we received that news, was the first I allowed someone to take Ryan from me. One of the nurses then gave Ryan a bath, with Scott overseeing and taking pictures. Another nurse, brought in some onesies and allowed us to pick one to dress Ryan in. There was a perfect one - it was bright green, with three animals on it. I can only say for sure that one of the animals was a lion, and I know that because, when I first talked to Sean about Ryan, he immediately named his stuffed lion "Ryan". The nurse took footprints at that time and also weighed and measured Ryan. He weighed 2lb 4 oz and was 10 1/2 inches long. Again, those numbers were so significant for us, because it signified his physical presence. After he was all cleaned up, Scott brought him back to me and we just held him. The nurses that night and morning were amazing. Words just cannot explain, but I remember one example. The nurse who gave Sean a bath, did a second check to confirm that his heart had stopped, but before she listened to him, she took the time to warm up the stethoscope - a simple act, but to a mother, an act of utmost respect.


For those of you who have not heard, there is an agency called "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" and they provide an amazing service. They are professional photographers who come to the hospital to take pictures providing "infant rememberance photography". Their website - http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ - has some beautiful images. Prior to that morning, I had been in touch with a photographer through the agency, who was going to provide a maternity photo session on Saturday, instead Friday morning, she came to the hospital and took pictures of Ryan and our family. Sean was present at the hospital with us at that time. He never really took much interest in Ryan, though was aware he was there. Initially, Sean would not take a picture with Ryan, but eventually he took two pictures with all of us, so I was able to get my "family" picture that I had so ached for.


Most of the rest of the day blends together. Our pastor came to the hospital and was able to meet Ryan and offer a prayer. I know my mom arrived at the hospital at some point that morning and I know Scott walked Sean to daycare to provide some normalcy to his day. And at some point in the morning I was moved to the room for the remainder of my hospital stay. Ryan stayed with me the whole time and I was greeted in my new room by two nurses that I consider my friends and that was a great comfort. For the remainder of the day, we just held Ryan and loved him and talked to him. We were able to introduce him to several of my co-workers, grandparents, and friends. As it got towards the evening, we knew we had reached the point where it was time to hand Ryan over. That was undescribely one of the worst moments. Both Scott and I held him one last time and tried to soak in every last moment. I was able to hand him over to the nurses that are my friends, which provided the once source of comfort, because I knew they would care for him and love him as well. Just remembering, still hurts so much.

Our time with Ryan was short, but amazing. I would not say that I am accepting of what has happened, I still find myself angry and frustrated. I want my child in my arms, they ache. I want to hear him cry. I wanted the rest of my time with him. There are still moments, that I find myself immersed in denial and shock. But, I am so grateful that I was able to hold him and love him and that we were able to have that time as a family. I miss Ryan every moment of the day.

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these" Luke 18:16

Thanks

I am back home from the hospital and grateful for everyone's prayers and support. I will share the story of Ryan's time with us, but right now everything is too fresh and too raw. No matter what the hurt now, I will never regret our decision and the time we had with him was wonderful. He will always be in our hearts.

Ryan

Written by Scott as read to me by Jen: Ryan James was born September 17th at 1:55am weighing 2.5 lbs. and was 10.5 inches long. We were able to spend two hours with him before he went to be with the Lord. Services for Ryan are planned for Saturday September 25th at 2pm at the Lucas Funeral Home in Keller, TX. All are welcome to come if you would like. I am hoping to make it out of the hospital tomorrow so long as I can get my blood pressure down. I will update more when I am able to make it home. Thank you for everyone's love and support.

Difficult News

By now, you would think that I am pretty good at hearing unexpected news, but I am not. I can hold it together while getting the news, but then I just fall apart later. I had an appointment this morning with the perinatologist in regard to the gestational diabetes. She was not overly concerned because I barely had numbers that were out of the range of normal. For now, I just have to modify my diet and check my blood sugars. She even told me I could have a small piece of cake - of course, only on rare occasions, but still for me that was good news.

The appointment though did include some difficult news to take. A sonogram was done and my amniotic fluid level is low - 7.5, when it was anticipated to be 20 or higher. The problem is that Ryan is developing fluid around his heart and in his abdomen of an amount that appears almost equal to my amniotic fluid. This fluid could cause his heart to stop and the doctor things now there is a strong likelihood that he may not survive until delivery.

To some that news may seem minor, we already knew that Ryan would not be surviving after delivery. But for us, our hopes, dreams and prayers were that we would get to spend some time with Ryan alive. When everything else has been taken away, you learn to wish for those little things. I want to hold my son alive. I want to carry my son until 36 weeks, I know it is just a number, but for me it helps me feel like I have done everything I possibly could for my son and it gives my that much time with him. I wish I could find the words to explain what it is like to count down the life of your child and to cling to every moment.

Please keep us in your prayers. Please pray for Ryan, for him to have the strength to live to delivery if we were meant to have that time. Please pray for comfort and strength for Scott and I. We truly feel every one's prayers.

Counting my blessings

I am working tonight on counting my blessings. I got another call from the doctor's office today (I dread those calls) and I have now been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I really want to throw a pity party for myself because I feel like I can't catch a break, but instead I am going to remind myself how blessed I am.

I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who has been very supportive through a trying time.

I am blessed to be the mother of two boys.

I am blessed by an incredible support system of family, friends, church members and even strangers who are keeping my family in their prayers.

I am blessed to have a home that keeps my family safe and dry.

I am blessed to have a job, though at times stressful, it has given me the opportunity to work with some wonderful people.

I am blessed that my husband has a job (and that his kidney stones are gone!)

I am blessed to have some incredible doctors taking care of me and Ryan.

I am blessed by moments of laughter, smiles and even tears.

I am blessed.

Thought I would include some recent family fun pictures as a reminder of the good moments.

Delivery date

I'm sorry I did not update this weekend as I had planned. We actually had a weekend that was jam packed with family activities. We were able to take Sean to see Nickelodeon Story Time Live, which had performances from some of Sean's favorite shows. Of course, his favorite part was the Backyardigans. He really did not interact with what was happening during the show, he just sat with his mouth open in awe. On Sunday, we took him to a Rangers game and he had a blast. He had his giant foam finger that he kept hitting people with and he kept asking why the "green team" (Oakland A's) were striking out the Rangers. I didn't enjoy the heat too much, the swelling was out of control, but Sean lasted all 9 innings. That was even with me trying to encourage him to say he was ready to go. I think he will take after his dad for his love of sports.

I haven't written much about Sean's interactions with Ryan, so here is a little insight. Sean is very aware that I am pregnant and has known since around 12 weeks. Before we knew that we where having a boy, Sean and I would talk and he would go back and forth about wanting a sister or brother. We finally had a talk that God had already decided and we do not get to choose. He then went on to repeat that to teachers at his daycare. When we first found out Ryan's diagnosis, we didn't tell Sean anything, not Ryan's name or that he was even a boy. But once we started to wrap our minds around things (as much as possible), we started by just telling Sean that he was going to have a little brother and that his name is Ryan. We have always said that we would be honest with Sean and answer his questions, but not give him more information than he asked for. The first time I talked to Sean about what would happen to Ryan was when Sean asked why there is not a bed at the house for Ryan. I explained that Ryan would not come home with us from the hospital, to which Sean replied "why can't he walk". Then we had to discuss that babies are too little to walk, so then Sean told me that I could carry him and even demonstrated how to do so. At that point, I explained lungs to Sean to be the best of my ability and that Ryan's lungs are not going to work. For some reason that has satisfied him and he went off to play. Most of the time now, Sean likes to hug my belly and give Ryan kisses. He has also been known to tell him "good morning" and "night night". He will even tickle him on occasions. He also loves to tell Ryan stories - I normally don't understand the stories, but most recently he has been telling him the story of David and Goliath. There are times were we will go days and Sean won't mention Ryan and then out of the blue, he will start back up. The love he demonstrates already amazes me.

I followed back up with my OB today and there weren't any real changes. My feet are still swelling, but everything else is looking good. Ryan's heartbeat is still strong. Today we did schedule Ryan's delivery date for November 2nd. It may be changed by a day or two, but he will be delivered the first week of November, unless there is a medical reason to deliver before that date. There is a bitter sweetness to having a date. As a mom, I want to meet and hold my son, but then I think about it and realize that I likely just chose the day my son will die...