Christmas

In a way, this feels like my first Christmas. It is my first Christmas with a child in heaven. It is my first Christmas were I struggle with including Ryan but not stealing from Sean's joy and innocence. Last night, while getting ready for bed, Sean asked me when Ryan will grow up. It means so much to me that he still thinks about his little brother, but it hurts my heart that he is having to learn about death at such a young age. My thoughts go out to all of those who are spending there first Christmas with a loved one in heaven.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.

With tiny lights like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow,

The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear,

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,

But the sound of music cannot compare with the Christmas choir up here,

I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart

So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear,

And be glad I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a memory of my undying love,

After all love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It is always most important in the stories that Jesus told.

Please love each other as the Father said to do,

For I cannot count the blessings or love He has for you,

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear

Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Unknown

Three months

It is hard to believe that tomorrow is three months. Three months of grief, guilt, fears, tears, and even (though hard for me to imagine at times) joy. In the midst of the holidays, I miss the times I won't have with Ryan. There is no first Christmas, no picture with Santa, no memories of our family of four at home, together. Ryan, you are ever present in my thoughts.

A Pair of Shoes

Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes

They are ugly shoes

Uncomfortable shoes

I hate my shoes

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step

Yet, I continue to wear them

I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad that they are my shoes and not theirs

They never talk about my shoes

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them

But, once you put them, you cannot take them off

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes

There are many pairs in this world

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt

No woman deserves to wear these shoes

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything

They have made me who I am

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has a lost a child