Dear Ryan,
Happy 6th birthday sweet boy!
How can it be? I remember your dad holding you, seeing you take three breaths, holding you in my arms, feeling your weight and presence in this world. I can't image that it has been 6 years since those moments. I also remember telling you "its okay" and that you didn't need to fight anymore. Those words still break my heart, because I miss you so much.
I want to be selfish and beg for you back even if such a life on this Earth would have meant pain. I want to see your eyes, hear you laugh, feel your weight and presence again. If you were here, I would have taken the same day off of work, but it would have been to take cupcakes to at school. To see your kindergarten classmates celebrate you, what I would give to trade cleaning a grave site for that moment. But those wishes are selfish, the result of missing you to the depths of the oceans.
You are my son, but I know so little about you. I know you taught me that strength and bravery do not limit tears and sadness, but often happen right along with them. You taught me that love and grieve can be to complex to define. You have taught me that just when I think I can't, I can.
Because of you, I have seen your dad as a pillar of strength and a dad of great gentleness. Through you, I have seen how he longs to protect us all from pain and how one small boy can bring him to his knees in love.
Through you, I have seen your brother develop a faith and love in the unseen. His love for you is indescribable and because of that love, he cherishes your brother, Luke. Sean is so proud to be your brother and teaches us all how to live and love you every day. Luke will know you because of your brother's love.
Ryan, you are ours', forever. Thank you for all you have taught us and continue to teach us. Happy birthday our beloved son!
Loving you forever,
Mom
