Due Date

November 28th will never be a normal day. Today is Ryan's due date. I survived the Thanksgiving holiday and had some good moments with family. Today though, is tough. In the midst of the start of the Christmas holiday season, I am surrounded by grief. It is hard to explain how this day feels. At moments, it feels like a normal day and then the thoughts will come.


As I write this, the sounds of my family decorating for Christmas are floating through the house. My son is singing "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" and shouting with joy with each new decoration. I have occupied myself with unpacking from Thanksgiving and cleaning, two tasks that are not normally at the top of my list. Without my family's notice though, I was able to have my moment, when I placed the first two ornaments on the tree. The first one was given to us in memory of Ryan, the second one I received today from my mom with the word "hope". It felt right, because hope is what carried me through these past months and continues to do so. It is the hope that Ryan's life with have a lasting impact for more than just my family. The hope that my family will continue to find comfort in our faith. Hope for our future.

My sister in law shared a song with me this weekend that is perfect, it is perfect for this day, it is perfect in the midst of the pain -

All of Me (bowensheart.com)

Afraid to love something that could break

Could I move on, if you were torn away?

I'm so close to what I can't control

Can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You're going to have all of me

You're going to have all of me

You're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

I'll trade the fear of all that I can lose

For every moment I will share with you

You're going to have all of me

You're going to have all of me

You're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing every fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I'll start

Heaven brought you to this moment

It's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you

Even if I bleed

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me

Ryan, you were worth everything

Thankful

Two months ago, I held a beautiful son of God. I held an angel on Earth. My heart broke into a million pieces. My heart soared to Heaven with my son, Ryan, and my feet stayed planted on this Earth. I will be forever thankful. My normal life will never be "normal", but I will continue to live with a grateful broken heart.


"Praise God even when you don't understand what he is doing." ~ Henry Jacobson


Thank you, God. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my husband, my best friend. Thank you for allowing me to meet him early in life. Thank you for my son, Sean. His name means "God is gracious" and how gracious God has been. Sean's smile and laughter is truly a bright light of God's love. Thank you for my son, Ryan. Thank you for giving us time with him on Earth. Thank you for two hours of peace and not struggles.


"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise; be thankful unto Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good..." ~ Psalm 100:4-5a

God, you welcomed my son with open arms. Thank you for holding him when I can not. Thank you for loving him even more than I can imagine. Thank you for holding me when I carried him. Thank you for continuing to carry me through the dark moments and reminding me of the light. Thank you for the tears that I am able to cry, the grief I am able to feel, the ability to recognize and acknowledge my loss. Thank you for the strength to share my son's story and life, to let others know that I have TWO sons.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie


I know that I may never know why we were chosen to be Ryan's family. I know I may never have the answer to why Sean needed to learn about loss so young. But what I do know is that I am grateful that Ryan and Sean are both my sons. I am grateful that Sean can talk with love about his little brother "the bestest baby". I am grateful that Ryan reminded me how important family is and how much I truly love and appreciate his dad. I am grateful that Ryan has brought us closer as a family and has given us strength as a family. I am grateful for the images I have of the day we spent with Ryan, the pictures of his beautiful face, his precious feet and hand. His mouth, the same as his big brother. The image of a father and his son. The picture of OUR FAMILY.


"We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning" ~ Albert Barnes


If we had not had Ryan, there are so many things we would have missed. There are friends, we may have never met. There were conversations, we may never have had. Ryan's life may seem insignificant to some, but I know how truly significant it is. There are not enough words to explain what all he taught me. How he taught me to recognize and stand up for what I need. How he taught us about strength and courage and love. He taught me about grief and he continues to teach about living. I will never stop missing Ryan, there will always be an ache, but oh, how much I love him. How I still want to cry out "why" and how I wish I could wake up from this bad dream with my beautiful son in my arms! But Ryan did not leave me, he is still with me, because I will forever carry him in my heart. Sean asked if I love both him and Ryan and if only I could truly explain that the love I feel for both of them is beyond words.


"The unthankful heart...discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!" ~ Henry Wood Beecher


During this time of Thanksgiving, may you uncover the blessings in your darkest days.

Names

Ryan James Anderson

Name - a word or combination of words by which a person, place or thing, a body or class, or any object of thought, is designated, called or known (dictionary.com)

"Good men must die, but death cannot kill their names" - proverb

Our names, they are part of our identity. Parents argue, debate, and spend hours of conversation at times to select a child's name. My name, which may be quite common, is still MY name. As a mom whose child has died, my son's name is alive. It is hard to explain, but I will try. See, on September 17th, I handed my son's body over to nurses. I kissed his head and told his body goodbye. That was the last time, I held my son's body. I saw him again at the funeral home, but I never held him and felt his weight again. On that same day, I said goodbye to his being. I told him it was okay and released him to fly. We handed him to his heavenly Father. But in all of that, I never had to let go of his name. My son is Ryan James, forever. I have pictures to look at, but his name I can speak. His name can be said by others. His name is here.

We received some beautiful gifts this week of a necklace and a key chain that has both of our son's names on it. It shows his place, because his name is there, he is not erased from our family by death. To anyone who knows our family, never be afraid to say our son's name. Never hesitate to ask about Ryan. If we cry (this would mainly be me), it is okay, the tears are always there, but they are not always tears of sadness, but there is often pride and joy mixed in. See, I am sad that my son died, and angry and devasted and a million other emotions, but I am also happy that I had my son.

In the babyloss community (of which I am saddened but proud to be a part of), you often see pictures of children's names. It signifies their presence and their memory. It is one way of loving this beautiful children. The pictures are ones that I was blessed to receive from two other moms.

One last little note (and this part is hard because I still don't like to ask for things), but I am requesting prayers. I return to work tomorrow, to the hospital where Ryan was born. There are more things than I want to write about that scare me and make me nervous about returning to work, some that are truly beyond explaination. I am praying for peace, comfort and strength and a calming presence.

Faith

November 2nd - This was to be the day we would finally meet Ryan. It was the day we were planning for, the day I hoped for, but it would not be. I get angry that I did not have that extra time, but mostly I am sad, sad for the time I missed and continue to miss with my son. I wanted to write something on this day, but I tire talking about the ache and the grief that is ever present, so instead, today I will write about faith.



I have never been one to talk about my faith very much, but Ryan, in his own special way, has pushed me to do many things I normally wouldn't do. I was raised in the church and continue to have a church family. I by no means am an expert, in fact, I am quite a novice, but I believe. Please don't think I am perfect, not even close, but I have the love and grace of a perfect God. To start the story of my faith in relation to my journey with Ryan, I should start back when we learned of his diagnosis. Some may expect me to say that we decided to continue our pregnancy, because of religious views or biblical teachings, but we did not. The choice we made was simply for our son, the one whose heartbeat we saw and heard. The son we love.



I never doubted the diagnosis we were given, though I did believe a miracle was possible. I believe though, that miracles are not always the ones we are looking for. We would get frustrated when people would tell us stories of other miracle children, because we had seen our child and we knew our child was destined for a world, but not ours. Please don't think that I did not have faith in God, in fact, I had faith, but my faith was that God would care for our child, hold him, and love him, until we are able to be with him again. We were told that we may not even get to meet Ryan in this live, but we were given that miracle. God heard our prayers and pleas.



If you wonder if I get angry at God, I do. I have faith in a God that is greater than my anger and who can welcome me with open arms in the midst of my anger to comfort me. Yes, I am angry that this happened to me, to my family, and to my precious son. My God has not abandoned me, though at times, I have cried out in my tears feeling alone. God hid many a blessings for our family during this journey. I have found an amazing community of women who have walked and are walking this journey. I have recognized with gratefulness the amazing love within my marriage and my family. As a family, we have realized that we have an amazing community of friends. If it were not for Ryan, I don't know that I would have opened my eyes to these gifts from God.



I do not feel that Ryan was a punishment for me or my family. Nor, do I feel that God intentionally set for my child to have this diagnosis. It may be hard for some to believe, but I consider it a great gift to be Ryan's mother. Yes, it hurts, but it often hurts to love. I don't know why we were picked to be Ryan's family, and I may never know why. I don't have an answer for why Ryan had TD, but the answer I have is that he is loved by his family and his God. Ryan's life may have only been for 2 hours on this earth, but his story will continue, and he has been welcomed by his Father to his eternal home.



My faith does not eliminate the pain. It does not eliminate the grief, the sadness, the aching, empty arms, or the anger. But know that my God walks with me through this and will carry me when needed.



During my pregnancy, a church's billboard that I drive by on my daily commute, often had this verse posted, and it became my daily reassurance that good will come, smiles will return, love will be eternal, and we have reason to hope...



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~Jeremiah 29:11