Due Date

November 28th will never be a normal day. Today is Ryan's due date. I survived the Thanksgiving holiday and had some good moments with family. Today though, is tough. In the midst of the start of the Christmas holiday season, I am surrounded by grief. It is hard to explain how this day feels. At moments, it feels like a normal day and then the thoughts will come.


As I write this, the sounds of my family decorating for Christmas are floating through the house. My son is singing "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" and shouting with joy with each new decoration. I have occupied myself with unpacking from Thanksgiving and cleaning, two tasks that are not normally at the top of my list. Without my family's notice though, I was able to have my moment, when I placed the first two ornaments on the tree. The first one was given to us in memory of Ryan, the second one I received today from my mom with the word "hope". It felt right, because hope is what carried me through these past months and continues to do so. It is the hope that Ryan's life with have a lasting impact for more than just my family. The hope that my family will continue to find comfort in our faith. Hope for our future.

My sister in law shared a song with me this weekend that is perfect, it is perfect for this day, it is perfect in the midst of the pain -

All of Me (bowensheart.com)

Afraid to love something that could break

Could I move on, if you were torn away?

I'm so close to what I can't control

Can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You're going to have all of me

You're going to have all of me

You're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

I'll trade the fear of all that I can lose

For every moment I will share with you

You're going to have all of me

You're going to have all of me

You're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing every fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I'll start

Heaven brought you to this moment

It's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you

Even if I bleed

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me

Ryan, you were worth everything