Thankful

Two months ago, I held a beautiful son of God. I held an angel on Earth. My heart broke into a million pieces. My heart soared to Heaven with my son, Ryan, and my feet stayed planted on this Earth. I will be forever thankful. My normal life will never be "normal", but I will continue to live with a grateful broken heart.


"Praise God even when you don't understand what he is doing." ~ Henry Jacobson


Thank you, God. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my husband, my best friend. Thank you for allowing me to meet him early in life. Thank you for my son, Sean. His name means "God is gracious" and how gracious God has been. Sean's smile and laughter is truly a bright light of God's love. Thank you for my son, Ryan. Thank you for giving us time with him on Earth. Thank you for two hours of peace and not struggles.


"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise; be thankful unto Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good..." ~ Psalm 100:4-5a

God, you welcomed my son with open arms. Thank you for holding him when I can not. Thank you for loving him even more than I can imagine. Thank you for holding me when I carried him. Thank you for continuing to carry me through the dark moments and reminding me of the light. Thank you for the tears that I am able to cry, the grief I am able to feel, the ability to recognize and acknowledge my loss. Thank you for the strength to share my son's story and life, to let others know that I have TWO sons.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie


I know that I may never know why we were chosen to be Ryan's family. I know I may never have the answer to why Sean needed to learn about loss so young. But what I do know is that I am grateful that Ryan and Sean are both my sons. I am grateful that Sean can talk with love about his little brother "the bestest baby". I am grateful that Ryan reminded me how important family is and how much I truly love and appreciate his dad. I am grateful that Ryan has brought us closer as a family and has given us strength as a family. I am grateful for the images I have of the day we spent with Ryan, the pictures of his beautiful face, his precious feet and hand. His mouth, the same as his big brother. The image of a father and his son. The picture of OUR FAMILY.


"We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning" ~ Albert Barnes


If we had not had Ryan, there are so many things we would have missed. There are friends, we may have never met. There were conversations, we may never have had. Ryan's life may seem insignificant to some, but I know how truly significant it is. There are not enough words to explain what all he taught me. How he taught me to recognize and stand up for what I need. How he taught us about strength and courage and love. He taught me about grief and he continues to teach about living. I will never stop missing Ryan, there will always be an ache, but oh, how much I love him. How I still want to cry out "why" and how I wish I could wake up from this bad dream with my beautiful son in my arms! But Ryan did not leave me, he is still with me, because I will forever carry him in my heart. Sean asked if I love both him and Ryan and if only I could truly explain that the love I feel for both of them is beyond words.


"The unthankful heart...discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!" ~ Henry Wood Beecher


During this time of Thanksgiving, may you uncover the blessings in your darkest days.