Names

Ryan James Anderson

Name - a word or combination of words by which a person, place or thing, a body or class, or any object of thought, is designated, called or known (dictionary.com)

"Good men must die, but death cannot kill their names" - proverb

Our names, they are part of our identity. Parents argue, debate, and spend hours of conversation at times to select a child's name. My name, which may be quite common, is still MY name. As a mom whose child has died, my son's name is alive. It is hard to explain, but I will try. See, on September 17th, I handed my son's body over to nurses. I kissed his head and told his body goodbye. That was the last time, I held my son's body. I saw him again at the funeral home, but I never held him and felt his weight again. On that same day, I said goodbye to his being. I told him it was okay and released him to fly. We handed him to his heavenly Father. But in all of that, I never had to let go of his name. My son is Ryan James, forever. I have pictures to look at, but his name I can speak. His name can be said by others. His name is here.

We received some beautiful gifts this week of a necklace and a key chain that has both of our son's names on it. It shows his place, because his name is there, he is not erased from our family by death. To anyone who knows our family, never be afraid to say our son's name. Never hesitate to ask about Ryan. If we cry (this would mainly be me), it is okay, the tears are always there, but they are not always tears of sadness, but there is often pride and joy mixed in. See, I am sad that my son died, and angry and devasted and a million other emotions, but I am also happy that I had my son.

In the babyloss community (of which I am saddened but proud to be a part of), you often see pictures of children's names. It signifies their presence and their memory. It is one way of loving this beautiful children. The pictures are ones that I was blessed to receive from two other moms.

One last little note (and this part is hard because I still don't like to ask for things), but I am requesting prayers. I return to work tomorrow, to the hospital where Ryan was born. There are more things than I want to write about that scare me and make me nervous about returning to work, some that are truly beyond explaination. I am praying for peace, comfort and strength and a calming presence.