Bunnies and more (Saturday happy list)

My happy list for the week. The month of March has been a difficult one, so it is nice to take the time and focus on some good moments. Natasha, I am so glad you started this!

Bunnies and knowing that other's remember Ryan (yes there is a story behind this, but it is for another day)

Spring, flowers, new leaves on the trees, the hope for new beginnings

My FAVORITE pants and comfy socks! Perfect for lounging on the couch.

Backyard baseball (Lucy even found a safe spot to watch!)

Now, for an evening of hot dogs and ice cream. Our annual dinner to celebrate the start of baseball season!

Empty

I feel empty. Empty of thoughts, void of feelings, tired, worn out, empty. Most weeks I process a lot of thoughts thinking about what I will write on here and this week there has been nothing.

I wish I had some wonderful revelation this week or some great moment of joy, but I feel like I have stalled out. The tears are still right there, almost waiting for the most inconvenient time to let loose. But the sobs, they aren't there, evenly tears are silent, empty.

I want to cry out for comfort, for peace, for something, but even that takes more than I have right now.

Ryan, momma misses you more than I have words to explain...


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Happy list

After reading everyone else's happy lists the last few weeks I have decided to join in, because this week has been a week where I needed to focus on some happy thoughts. And all the other happy lists bring a smile to my face. This is a great weekly reminder of happiness!.

This beautiful image of Ryan's name in the sands of Hawaii. Thank you, Angel Babies; Names in the Sand

This canvas that was given to me by a sweet coworker in memory of Ryan. I love having it in my office to look at everyday, especially in those moments when the ache is so strong. It is a perfect reminder of my little king who will forever live in my heart!

Sean's sweet face (what mother wouldn't love that!)

Sunshine





A beautiful spring day with a breeze in the air, spent enjoying some college baseball with my family.




Here is to the hope for more happy moments than sad in the week to come...

Beginning

Could it really be that one year ago, tomorrow, I confirmed I was pregnant with my second child. I can't believe it has been a year. A year since that moment of joy and excitement. I remember feelings of anxiety wondering how we were going to manage and adapt to having a second child, if only I knew then, to cherish every moment of the pregnancy. It wasn't even that I didn't cherish it, I even took a picture that day a year ago to have proof of the positive pregnancy test (and I had splurged on the test with words!)




I just remember worrying about finances and can I really control, okay, maybe not control, but somewhat manage two children! I wish I could go back to those moments...

This month has been tough. Last week was the six month point since Ryan's birth and tomorrow is not only the year anniversary of when I learned I was pregnant but the 6 month anniversary of Ryan's funeral...

Tonight there a lot of words swimming around in my head, but my thoughts feel jumbled and nothing seems to fit right. I am frustrated and sad and I ache. I want my baby...

I get mad and myself and feel guilty because when I start feeling this way, I know that I am not the mom I want to be or should be for Sean and then my heart breaks again...

There are still moments that I think this must be a nightmare, I have to wake up one day...

I want to find the words to get this out of my head and lift the weight from my chest. The tears don't fall as often anymore, but that ache, it is still there. That wish that I could hold my son again, and not some day in the future, but right now.

Small Miracles Blog Hop #2

Well, I am a day late, but with good reason! This is the second month of the small miracles blog hop and I just got home from a weekend with family. Several of us gathered to go through items and help clean my grandmother's house as she has moved to an Alzheimer's center, so while it was bittersweet, it was good to be back at a home that holds so many memories from my childhood and to see my son running around creating his own memories.

When I think about the small miracles in my life recently, I really think a lot about my 4 year old. While Sean is known to drive me crazy at time, he has such a sweet spirit and a smile that can melt me in an instant. This past week has been hard as we hit the 6 month point since Ryan's birth and we are coming up on the year anniversary of when I learned I was pregnant. But in those moment, Sean has shown me that he remembers his baby brother. In fact, he is only of the only people who will say Ryan's name. I thought I would share the ways that he has talked about Ryan recently, because those moments feel my heart with hope.

Sean likes to ask about what God has in Heaven. He has asked if God has baby food, or if we need to send some. This past week, Sean asked if God had diapers. I told him that I was sure he does and then he asked if God has pottys. I figured he was going somewhere with this, so I asked him if he thinks that God has a potty in Heaven. Sean responded "No, He doesn't have a potty. Ryan has to tee tee in the grass." I know it is a pretty bizarre topic, but for a four year old, the potty can be a topic of conversation and a focus of the day!

Sean and I went to visit Ryan's grave on his 6 month birthday. We refer to it as "Ryan's spot" and I have been caught off guard by Sean's reaction. Sean loves to look at all the flowers at the graves and see the pinwheels and other items left at the other baby markers. This time, he talked to Ryan. Well, more like yelled to Ryan and described his flowers and St. Patrick's day items. And as we drove away, from the back seat I heard, "Can we come back to Ryan's spot tomorrow?" What a great big brother.

Then today, out of nowhere, during our car ride home, Sean pipped up from the back seat to inform us that Ryan must be getting big, because he is eating a lot of baby food...

Six months

Six months since I held my precious, beautiful son. Six months and I don't even really known what I want to say. I want to scream and remind people that I have 2 sons! I want to shout Ryan's name. I want people to understand the depth of my grief.

I am so thankful for those who will say Ryan's name, it is music to my ears and brings a joy to my heart that is indescribable. Just to know he is remembered...

When I returned to work after Ryan's death, I carried his pictures with me just like any other proud mother. Most people did not ask about Ryan or mention his name, but it did not stop me, I shoved those pictures at anyone I could. Well, I would ask before I would hand over the photo album, but if someone wanted to decline the opportunity of looking at them, they didnt have the guts to say it. Some people may find it strange or even offensive to others to share pictures of a child who had died, but I honestly did not care. I was a proud mother and I wanted to share my beautiful son. I wanted people to acknowledge that my son existed. From the moment I learned of Ryan's diagnosis I was on a quest. A quest to ensure that my child would not be forgotten, that his story would not just be remembered but SHARED. That his name would be spoken. I struggle sometimes thinking about how I will achieve this when he already seems forgotten, when his name is already rarely spoken outside of my home.

Dear Ryan,

Six months ago I held you in my arms and how they ache for you now. I am still so very proud of you! And I am so proud to call myself your mother! I think of you all the time. It is baseball season, and I so wish you could be enjoying the games with your dad and big brother. We are a family of four and you will forever be carried in our hearts. I wish I could see you in heaven, see you healed, happy and safe in the arms of God. In my head I am so thankful that you are being held in the arms of your Father, but my heart still wants you here with me and your Daddy. I miss you every moment and love you so very much!
Love,
Mommy

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Laughter

There isn't much that gets a smile on my face quicker than hearing my son, Sean's laughter. I think Sean has a beautiful insight into the wonder of laughter.

On Sunday, we took a family trip to visit Ryan's marker. We brought out the St Patrick's Day decorations and let Sean put them out. On the drive home, Sean perked up from the back seat to ask if Ryan can hear us. I reassured him that he can (the same reassurance Sean provided me last week). Sean then proceeded to inform us that Ryan needs a toy, one that makes noise. Sean clarified that the toy needs to laugh, because he knows that if Ryan hears the toy laugh, he will laugh as well. Ahhhh, sweet boy you are a great big brother and you would have been the best at making Ryan laugh. Come to think of it, I am sure he has been cracking up some days watching you!



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Would I have dared

Have you ever wondered, what if I could see the future? Or what if I had seen my future in my past? If at the age of 15, 18, 20, I had seen what life had in store for me?

I would have seen a wedding with my best friend. I would have seen the ups and downs of marriage. I would have seen the satisfaction of a job well down. The heartache of friendships lost. The pride in the purchase of a home. The stress of financial struggles. I would have seen the tried and true friendships and the new friends that would come into my life. I would have seen joys, fears, anxiety, hope.

I would have seen my boys. I would have seen my child's grave. I would have heard my son's laughter and I would have seen my other son's few breaths.

If I had seen these things, what would I have noticed? What would I have focused on? Would my heart have swelled with joy, love, and the amazing blessings in my life? Or would I have found my self suffocated in fear?

I can look back now grateful for the opportunity to have carried Ryan for 29 weeks 5 days, grateful for the 3 breaths I saw him take, grateful for the 1 hour 57 minutes of his beautiful life. But if before I was ever pregnant, I knew my child's life on earth would be that brief, would I have given myself over to the journey. How I would like to say a resounding YES! But I don't know that I would have, I don't know that I would have looked beyond the fear, anxiety and grief to see the joy and peace...and I would have missed out on a beautiful child.


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How old?

Just a moment from my day, that might bring a smile to yours.

On my drive home with Sean, he was discussing how he hopes to one day be able to ride in the "big seats". He then proceeded to tell me that I need to work on making a third seat in the front for him. Then he reassured me that I have plenty of time, because it is going to be a long time before he is big enough, since he is only 4. He figures he will have to be 65 to be big enough!!!!

Now I'm scared to ask him how old he thinks I am!!!!


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Big Brother

I decided that I wanted to set aside entries to focus on Sean, Ryan's big brother. He has been such a light in my life and our family's life and I want to share a little bit of that. At the same time, it will allow me to create a little bit of a record of him growing up!



Last weekend, we took Sean to see Ryan's marker at the cemetery. He had not been there since the graveside service, but I finally felt ready to share it with him. I had hesitated before when there was no maker, and then once the marker arrived, I was scared of how to explain it or how he would react. The day we took him, I realized we had nothing to worry about. It was no big deal - he just liked the flowers! We have since talked about picking out different things to take to Ryan and Sean has said that he needs a little toy. This weekend, Sean helped me shop for some flowers to take later and some decorations for up coming holidays. It felt good to be able to involve Sean. Next time he gets to help us clean off the dirt, for some reason, Ryan's marker never seems to stay clean!



This past week, Sean gave me a good reminder - "mom, we can talk to him [Ryan], he can hear us in Heaven".

It is time again for the small miracles blog hop. I don't have any profound thoughts or even much to write, but just one thing to share. This cross sits on my desk at work, and has been there since before Ryan's diagnosis and possibly even before my pregnancy. It is where I look daily when I need a boost of hope and I don't think I realized when I picked it out, how much it would come to mean to me.






"And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us"Romans 5:5





"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death"
Philippians 1:20

Signs

I have to confess, I have been feeling slightly jealous of other baby loss moms. I know this sounds crazy, but I am getting acclimated to having crazy feelings! Since the moment I received Ryan's diagnosis and found myself a member of this community that I scarcly thought of before, I have found comfort in reading the stories and journeys of other moms. In reading their thoughts, experiences, pains and joys, I have been fascinated and jealous of their experiences of "signs" that their babies are okay.

I have been jealous because I want a sign that Ryan is okay, that he is resting securely in the arms of God, that he is smiling, laughing and healed in Heaven. Just after we learned of Ryan's diagnosis, we were sitting in church and a song was performed that I have mentioned in this blog before "If You Could See Me Now". Listening to that song, at that moment, felt like a gift from God. We were trying to wrap our minds around a diagnosis that was not only considered 100% fatal, but also caused some physical deformities that were already visible in arms and legs weeks behind in development, and to hear the words "standing tall and whole" was beyond explanation. That moment, with the tears streaming down my face, leaning on my husband sharing our world of pain, at that moment I knew that Ryan was okay and would be okay. At that moment, I knew I would carry my son until he was called home.

But since that moment, since I said goodbye, I have struggled. I beg in my mind for something to let me know that he is okay, that I made the right choices. I have started to wonder if I have just closed my eyes to possible signs, shut my mind off to the possibility of reassurance. I feel torn between not wanting to force something into being a sign but wanting one so desperately. As I write this, I am thinking about the night Ryan was born and how nothing was as I planned it. It wasn't the scheduled delivery we were anticipating and preparing for, one more reminder that I was not in control. But the way that things work out can be amazing - the friend that was able to care for my son and be present during Ryan's birth and capture those beautiful memories for us, the nursing and OR staff who respected the life of my son, having friends as my nurses when I said my final goodbye to Ryan, for all of that to come together, I know someone greater than me was in control.

This week I was looking at the beautiful picture of Ryan's name in the sand (check out namesinthesand.blogspot.com for beautiful images and an amazing ministry to families who have lost children). The more I look at the picture, the more I know that sunset was for me (at least partly for me). If you ask Sean what mommy's favorite color is, he won't even hesitate before telling you purple. Ryan's sunset is the most beautiful purple sunset!

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Resale

Clutter resolution update!

I have not been doing as well as I would have liked dealing with the physical clutter in my home, but I have made some progress! I had done a lot of cleaning and purging back in January, and the bags of items to be donated (large black trash bags!!!) have been hanging out in the entry way. I am pretty sure that is not a design element that will be implemented into others homes!!!

A few weeks ago, in preparation for having a house guest (one of the only motivators to get me to do a good cleaning of my house!), we moved the bags and loaded them in the back of my husband's car. They stayed there for quite awhile as great decoration for a car! This past weekend though, we finally dropped them off at a donation center!!! Progress! Of course there are already a few small bags of donation items back in my entry way, maybe it will become a decorative item!

The one big accomplishment, though, was taking about 75 clothing items that Sean has outgrown to a massive kids resale event! The great thing is that this helped motivate me to clean out the closest where I shove every shirt, pants, shoes, socks, toys or other misc baby/kid item that Sean has outgrown! At the same time, it will hopefully help address our financial clutter! Any amount made from the resale (no high expectations!) will be used to help pay off debt. Any thing to chip away at it! My husband picks up a lot if extra hours at work to help with it, so I feel pretty guilty not always being able to contribute extra. Yes, I work full time, so I contribute, but my husband works an insane amount! So that was my start to find my own little way to help!

It feels good to be chipping away at the clutter in my life, even if it is not happening as quickly as I would like!


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