I have to confess, I have been feeling slightly jealous of other baby loss moms. I know this sounds crazy, but I am getting acclimated to having crazy feelings! Since the moment I received Ryan's diagnosis and found myself a member of this community that I scarcly thought of before, I have found comfort in reading the stories and journeys of other moms. In reading their thoughts, experiences, pains and joys, I have been fascinated and jealous of their experiences of "signs" that their babies are okay.
I have been jealous because I want a sign that Ryan is okay, that he is resting securely in the arms of God, that he is smiling, laughing and healed in Heaven. Just after we learned of Ryan's diagnosis, we were sitting in church and a song was performed that I have mentioned in this blog before "If You Could See Me Now". Listening to that song, at that moment, felt like a gift from God. We were trying to wrap our minds around a diagnosis that was not only considered 100% fatal, but also caused some physical deformities that were already visible in arms and legs weeks behind in development, and to hear the words "standing tall and whole" was beyond explanation. That moment, with the tears streaming down my face, leaning on my husband sharing our world of pain, at that moment I knew that Ryan was okay and would be okay. At that moment, I knew I would carry my son until he was called home.
But since that moment, since I said goodbye, I have struggled. I beg in my mind for something to let me know that he is okay, that I made the right choices. I have started to wonder if I have just closed my eyes to possible signs, shut my mind off to the possibility of reassurance. I feel torn between not wanting to force something into being a sign but wanting one so desperately. As I write this, I am thinking about the night Ryan was born and how nothing was as I planned it. It wasn't the scheduled delivery we were anticipating and preparing for, one more reminder that I was not in control. But the way that things work out can be amazing - the friend that was able to care for my son and be present during Ryan's birth and capture those beautiful memories for us, the nursing and OR staff who respected the life of my son, having friends as my nurses when I said my final goodbye to Ryan, for all of that to come together, I know someone greater than me was in control.
This week I was looking at the beautiful picture of Ryan's name in the sand (check out namesinthesand.blogspot.com for beautiful images and an amazing ministry to families who have lost children). The more I look at the picture, the more I know that sunset was for me (at least partly for me). If you ask Sean what mommy's favorite color is, he won't even hesitate before telling you purple. Ryan's sunset is the most beautiful purple sunset!
I have been jealous because I want a sign that Ryan is okay, that he is resting securely in the arms of God, that he is smiling, laughing and healed in Heaven. Just after we learned of Ryan's diagnosis, we were sitting in church and a song was performed that I have mentioned in this blog before "If You Could See Me Now". Listening to that song, at that moment, felt like a gift from God. We were trying to wrap our minds around a diagnosis that was not only considered 100% fatal, but also caused some physical deformities that were already visible in arms and legs weeks behind in development, and to hear the words "standing tall and whole" was beyond explanation. That moment, with the tears streaming down my face, leaning on my husband sharing our world of pain, at that moment I knew that Ryan was okay and would be okay. At that moment, I knew I would carry my son until he was called home.
But since that moment, since I said goodbye, I have struggled. I beg in my mind for something to let me know that he is okay, that I made the right choices. I have started to wonder if I have just closed my eyes to possible signs, shut my mind off to the possibility of reassurance. I feel torn between not wanting to force something into being a sign but wanting one so desperately. As I write this, I am thinking about the night Ryan was born and how nothing was as I planned it. It wasn't the scheduled delivery we were anticipating and preparing for, one more reminder that I was not in control. But the way that things work out can be amazing - the friend that was able to care for my son and be present during Ryan's birth and capture those beautiful memories for us, the nursing and OR staff who respected the life of my son, having friends as my nurses when I said my final goodbye to Ryan, for all of that to come together, I know someone greater than me was in control.
This week I was looking at the beautiful picture of Ryan's name in the sand (check out namesinthesand.blogspot.com for beautiful images and an amazing ministry to families who have lost children). The more I look at the picture, the more I know that sunset was for me (at least partly for me). If you ask Sean what mommy's favorite color is, he won't even hesitate before telling you purple. Ryan's sunset is the most beautiful purple sunset!
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It's just beautiful! Purple is my favorite color also and I was so excited that Aiden's name in the sand had a beautiful purple in the sunset as well. Glad you got your sign!
ReplyDeleteLove the purple!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI often wonder if I am just making up my signs. But then it happens again, and again, and again.
I think you got your sign momma!!!!