Beginning

Could it really be that one year ago, tomorrow, I confirmed I was pregnant with my second child. I can't believe it has been a year. A year since that moment of joy and excitement. I remember feelings of anxiety wondering how we were going to manage and adapt to having a second child, if only I knew then, to cherish every moment of the pregnancy. It wasn't even that I didn't cherish it, I even took a picture that day a year ago to have proof of the positive pregnancy test (and I had splurged on the test with words!)




I just remember worrying about finances and can I really control, okay, maybe not control, but somewhat manage two children! I wish I could go back to those moments...

This month has been tough. Last week was the six month point since Ryan's birth and tomorrow is not only the year anniversary of when I learned I was pregnant but the 6 month anniversary of Ryan's funeral...

Tonight there a lot of words swimming around in my head, but my thoughts feel jumbled and nothing seems to fit right. I am frustrated and sad and I ache. I want my baby...

I get mad and myself and feel guilty because when I start feeling this way, I know that I am not the mom I want to be or should be for Sean and then my heart breaks again...

There are still moments that I think this must be a nightmare, I have to wake up one day...

I want to find the words to get this out of my head and lift the weight from my chest. The tears don't fall as often anymore, but that ache, it is still there. That wish that I could hold my son again, and not some day in the future, but right now.