Have you ever wondered, what if I could see the future? Or what if I had seen my future in my past? If at the age of 15, 18, 20, I had seen what life had in store for me?
I would have seen a wedding with my best friend. I would have seen the ups and downs of marriage. I would have seen the satisfaction of a job well down. The heartache of friendships lost. The pride in the purchase of a home. The stress of financial struggles. I would have seen the tried and true friendships and the new friends that would come into my life. I would have seen joys, fears, anxiety, hope.
I would have seen my boys. I would have seen my child's grave. I would have heard my son's laughter and I would have seen my other son's few breaths.
If I had seen these things, what would I have noticed? What would I have focused on? Would my heart have swelled with joy, love, and the amazing blessings in my life? Or would I have found my self suffocated in fear?
I can look back now grateful for the opportunity to have carried Ryan for 29 weeks 5 days, grateful for the 3 breaths I saw him take, grateful for the 1 hour 57 minutes of his beautiful life. But if before I was ever pregnant, I knew my child's life on earth would be that brief, would I have given myself over to the journey. How I would like to say a resounding YES! But I don't know that I would have, I don't know that I would have looked beyond the fear, anxiety and grief to see the joy and peace...and I would have missed out on a beautiful child.
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There are moments I think of a memory of my past. I cannot help but automatically think, I cannot believe there was a time that I DIDNT know this feeling. That I never thought this life would be mine.
ReplyDeleteBut it is. And I think I would rather NOT see the future. It would have made for a really hard road up until this point. :)
The future is Gods. We can leave it up to Him. :)