Faith

November 2nd - This was to be the day we would finally meet Ryan. It was the day we were planning for, the day I hoped for, but it would not be. I get angry that I did not have that extra time, but mostly I am sad, sad for the time I missed and continue to miss with my son. I wanted to write something on this day, but I tire talking about the ache and the grief that is ever present, so instead, today I will write about faith.



I have never been one to talk about my faith very much, but Ryan, in his own special way, has pushed me to do many things I normally wouldn't do. I was raised in the church and continue to have a church family. I by no means am an expert, in fact, I am quite a novice, but I believe. Please don't think I am perfect, not even close, but I have the love and grace of a perfect God. To start the story of my faith in relation to my journey with Ryan, I should start back when we learned of his diagnosis. Some may expect me to say that we decided to continue our pregnancy, because of religious views or biblical teachings, but we did not. The choice we made was simply for our son, the one whose heartbeat we saw and heard. The son we love.



I never doubted the diagnosis we were given, though I did believe a miracle was possible. I believe though, that miracles are not always the ones we are looking for. We would get frustrated when people would tell us stories of other miracle children, because we had seen our child and we knew our child was destined for a world, but not ours. Please don't think that I did not have faith in God, in fact, I had faith, but my faith was that God would care for our child, hold him, and love him, until we are able to be with him again. We were told that we may not even get to meet Ryan in this live, but we were given that miracle. God heard our prayers and pleas.



If you wonder if I get angry at God, I do. I have faith in a God that is greater than my anger and who can welcome me with open arms in the midst of my anger to comfort me. Yes, I am angry that this happened to me, to my family, and to my precious son. My God has not abandoned me, though at times, I have cried out in my tears feeling alone. God hid many a blessings for our family during this journey. I have found an amazing community of women who have walked and are walking this journey. I have recognized with gratefulness the amazing love within my marriage and my family. As a family, we have realized that we have an amazing community of friends. If it were not for Ryan, I don't know that I would have opened my eyes to these gifts from God.



I do not feel that Ryan was a punishment for me or my family. Nor, do I feel that God intentionally set for my child to have this diagnosis. It may be hard for some to believe, but I consider it a great gift to be Ryan's mother. Yes, it hurts, but it often hurts to love. I don't know why we were picked to be Ryan's family, and I may never know why. I don't have an answer for why Ryan had TD, but the answer I have is that he is loved by his family and his God. Ryan's life may have only been for 2 hours on this earth, but his story will continue, and he has been welcomed by his Father to his eternal home.



My faith does not eliminate the pain. It does not eliminate the grief, the sadness, the aching, empty arms, or the anger. But know that my God walks with me through this and will carry me when needed.



During my pregnancy, a church's billboard that I drive by on my daily commute, often had this verse posted, and it became my daily reassurance that good will come, smiles will return, love will be eternal, and we have reason to hope...



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~Jeremiah 29:11