Pride

Last week, I had a good friend ask me a question. She asked that if a year ago, I was told what I would be going through this year, would think that I could make it? Lately I have been thinking about that question a lot and my answer is no. I don't think I would have given myself, my marriage, and my family the respect any deserve and I would have said that I would not have been standing on the other side of this journey. While thinking about all of this, I experienced an emotion that I don't normally talk about (expect in regard to Sean's accomplishments) and that is pride. Not a selfish pride, but a self loving pride.

I am proud of Ryan. His life amazes me. It may have been short, but those two hours carry such great weight. I am proud of his fight, because not only did we fight for him to be a part of our family, but he fought just as hard. His little body and his heart hung in there to show us what strength and perseverance truly are.

I am proud of Sean. As a three year old, so much of what has happened to our family, is beyond explanation to him, but he has excepted everything as part of our family's journey. He shared a bond and love with his little brother even before Ryan was born. Not to say that we haven't had our struggles, but he is an amazing big brother.

I am proud of Scott. I am honored to be his wife. He stood with me through this whole experience, holding my hand, giving me a shoulder to cry on, and walking this journey beside me. He was angry with me, he cried with me, and he loved our son with me. I know that this experience was very different for Scott than it was for me, but he never failed to love to his family. The image of him holding our son, was an incredibly beautiful moment that I will never forget.

I am proud of our family. I am proud that we welcomed and fought for Ryan to be a part of our family. I am proud that we made decisions for Ryan from our hearts, even when they hurt. After we received Ryan's diagnosis, we kept living and because of that, Ryan got to live with us and experience things with our family. Ryan got to go to baseball games and a football game. Ryan got to go swimming and experience the crazy heat of a Texas summer. There were times of pain and hurt, but the love in our family exceeds it all.

You know what, I can even say that I am proud of myself. I have two beautiful sons. I am a mother and I survived what I would have said a year ago would be unsurvivable. I am still struggling through this journey, but I am going through the journey. And I will continue, because of Ryan, because of Sean, because of Scott, and because I have a faith and a God who will walk beside me.