Masks

I have spent a lot of time online since I learned of Ryan's diagnosis. At first, it was to try to find as much information about his diagnosis as possible, and since it progressed to searching for other women who have walked the same journey and finding ways to remember Ryan. One group I have located is Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope (http://www.facesofloss.com/). Through this group, they have started a writing challenge, which for me, is a good way to process some of my thoughts that often aren't very organized. For October, the topic is "masks" as a tie in with Halloween.



I like masks. I am quite fond of them in fact. I like to wear them to hide my true emotions from others. More often than that, I think I use them to keep my emotions, thoughts, etc, hidden from myself. My favorite mask is the "I'm okay" one, that has gotten a lot of use since Ryan's diagnosis and birth. When I take that mask off, the emotions are so raw and so fresh that it can be physically painful. It is not that I suppress my grief, trust me I have plenty to share, it is just that I cannot live in my grief. I still have to function as a mother, wife, and friend. Sometimes to just get out of bed and move through the day, I have to believe that I am okay. It is the whole "fake it till you make it" mentality.

The nice thing about masks, at least mine, is that I don't believe they are full face masks. They have a little bit of translucence, where the real me and my real emotions can come through, if you are looking for them. My eyes tear up, but they also smile. I like to believe that the good moments, allow ME to shine through my mask. I don't know when there will be a day when I feel like I can get rid of the mask, because we all have them. It is how we protect ourselves, just some get used more than others.

I wonder what would happen if we all got rid of our masks...would there be tears, anger, joy...could we learn to be content and accepting of our true selves?

I realize each day that Ryan has taught me many lessons, one is that he was perfect, he was perfectly made. It just breaks my heart to know that he was perfectly made for heaven. But in the same way he was perfectly made, we were all made by the hands of God.