Births

Before I write about anything else, I want everyone to know that October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Before Ryan, I never knew this day existed, but I now feel that it is important that other's know. It is a day to recognize the women and families who suffered a loss through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. Please join us in lighting a candle at 7pm your time on Friday, in memory of Ryan and all of the other babies that are at home with their Father, but whose parent's arms ache with emptiness.

I spend a lot of time reading blogs from other moms who have walked this same journey. There is an undescrible comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Often I read their enteries and their words could be mine. Today I read one that really struck a chord with me, it was about "good births". The other mom wrote about having the "best" card when discussing a "bad" birth because what could be worse that delivering a child who has not survived. Reading all of the other comments really made me take some time to think about both Sean's and Ryan's birth.

There were some definite similarities with both deliveries. Neither delivery occured when expected. I drove myself to the hospital to have some medication administered when I ended up being admitted and induced to deliver Sean. I went into labor on my own with Ryan, but it was over 11 weeks before his due date and over 7 weeks before his scheduled delivery date. Both boys were delivered by c-section, but with Sean it was completely unplanned. Sean was not up for being delivered, I never progressed, but the induction was started because his heart rate would not stabilize at the time (come to find out at delivery that the cord was wrapped around his neck). Ryan determined when he was going to be born. My children are also apparently night people, Sean was born at 2:22am and Ryan was born at 1:55am. But that is where the similarities end.

It is actually hard for me to qualify one birth as "better" than the other. The obvious choice would be Sean's birth, I got to bring my son home with me. I did not have the complication of high blood pressure and I remember physically recovering in a much shorter time span. But, in many ways, Ryan's birth was a miracle. The second time around I was mentally prepared to have a c-section (at the time and after Sean's birth, I felt like a failure that I could not deliver my child on my own). Second time around, Scott was right by my side with his head at my forehead instead of watching the actual cutting and delivery. I was able to have a friend present who took pictures that are worth more than I could explain. Ryan may not have a made a sound at birth, but he was present and he was alive with us. I could get selfish and say that it was not enough of a miracle because Ryan wasn't healed and did not survive, but he was alive in my arms. I still want him with me every moment of every day. I wonder how big he would be at this point and I think of carrying him and holding him. I wish that I was spending my leave at home sleeping while my baby sleeps and feeling exhausted from a crazy schedule, instead of planning my times to visit the cemetary and feeling exhausted because I can not sleep because the dreams and thoughts are haunting.

Both of the deliveries of my boys were miracles and I thank God daily for my beautiful sons. I only ask that God hold Ryan in his lap and tell him about his Mommy, Daddy and big brother.

Sean Micheal

Ryan James