Maternity Leave

Now that Scott has returned to work, I find myself with a lot of time to think - I'm not sure if it is always a good thing. Because of that, you may see more frequent posts, because often writing things helps me process them.

This week I have found myself thinking about the time period between learning of Ryan's diagnosis and his birth. I remember during that time wondering, what do you do on maternity leave if your child dies? It was such a foreign concept to me, but yet it was going to be my reality. I would try to figure out what I would do with my time and I would draw a blank. All I could think of was that I would sleep (that it my answer to a lot of things). Now when I think about it, there is so much more.

Traditional maternity leave is a time to recover from delivery and care for your infant. You try to learn all about your child, what their cries are for, how they like to be held, when they are hungry and when they are tired. You are learning what your family's new identity is and how this little child fits in your family. It is a period of adjustment and often stress and sleepless nights. But you survive and your child survives and your family survives. You forge ahead as the new family you have become.

Some wouldn't consider my leave a "maternity" leave. I can understand that - I left the hospital with empty arms and it wasn't because my child had to stay at the hospital for more care. I left the hospital to plan a funeral, not to make bottles and wash clothes and rock a baby to sleep. I am on "disability" leave because I had surgery. But I challenge that, I am on maternity leave. I am learning how to be a mother. I have to learn how to be a mother to my son that is with me at home and how to be a mother to my son in Heaven. I still have sleepless nights, and when I do sleep, my dreams are often of children or death, neither which lends to very good sleep. We are also adjusting to our new family's identity, because we have to figure out how Ryan fits in our family. When I walk through a store, people will not see that I am a mother of two boys, but I am. Our family has been changed and we have our own struggles to adjust to.

Maternity leave is not about the bottles and diapers and naps. Maternity leave is about love and about learning what it is to love a child. Maternity leave is a time for physical healing and a time for emotional growth.