I haven't been writing too much lately. My mind just feels kind of empty, or maybe just full of thoughts that run through but don't stay long, so this may bit a bit of a rambling post.

Right now I am hanging out with my little man who is slightly under the weather. He keeps running low grade temps and then spiking a fever once or twice a day. We already have an appointment for him to see the pediatrician tomorrow, because I got a call from his daycare Friday that he was messing with his ears. For those who don't know, Sean has had ear infections since he was 3 months old. In fact by the time be was 10 months, he had 11 infections! At that point, he had ear tubes placed and while it took time we definitely noticed an improvement. We even got to experience a 6 month period of no doctor's appointments!!! Just about two months ago, Sean had a nasty ear infection (the drainage made my stomach turn!), but a good course of antibiotic ear drops and oral antibiotics and life was good again. Lately though, he has complained that when he yawns, he doesn't hear the same. Now add on the occasional fever and ear pain, and I am afraid there may be another ear infection! Of course, my mind doesn't stop there. My worrying mind seems to get carried away more now after loading Ryan. I just have a fear that someone else I love is going to get snatched away from me.

Every day is a balance of trying to live for the day while remembering the past and hoping for the future. I wish I could say I have found a good balance...I normally function by compartmentalizing. I put thoughts of Ryan and memories of him in a little pocket of my brain, tucked away for me to peek at when I am all alone. I am almost ashamed to admit a conversation from last week. I was at work and someone who works for another facility was up on the floor I work on and needless to say, this is not my favorite person. Nothing personal against him, but not someone I am comfortable around or who has come off as genuine in previous encounters. I normally manage to avoid him, but no such luck this day. Well, he came up to talk to me and proceeded to comment that I was pregnant the last time he saw me and I must have had my baby. I just looked at him and replied "my son died from a fatal genetic disorder". It worked, conversation over. So there you go, my lowest of lows. I used my son's death to get out of the conversation, now to my credit, I didn't bring up the topic.

Sorry, not a whole lot of positive thoughts going through my mind right now.

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