In 9 days it will be my son's first birthday. There will be no large gathering of friends and family at our house with a little one toddling around the room. Instead there will be a group of three with a cake and a few balloons visiting a cemetery. It seems like the closer we get to Ryan's birthday, the more Sean talks about his little brother. Today walking through a store, Sean saw some baby clothes and said that we should get some for Ryan, we could send them to Heaven. He mentions that he misses Ryan and that he wishes he could come back because there are things he needs to teach him. My heart just breaks.
It seems like the closer we get to one year, the more my heart aches. The tears are back. The anger is back. The hurt and sadness are right back at the surface. I feel like I am right back to the fresh emotions that I was experiencing when we got Ryan's diagnosis and when he was born. I don't think I was prepared for these emotions, but then again how do you prepare for any of this. I miss my son more than I could ever explain.
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