Where has a year gone? A year ago, I was still an innocent mom. A mom who thought every thing would be okay because I made it through the first trimester. Excited to find out if I would have another son or a daughter, but oblivious to what could be discovered. Diagnosis day was devastating, heart wrenching, traumatic and numbing. And it still feels like yesterday.
The anniversary of the day we were told of Ryan's diagnosis is bringing an overwhelming flood of emotions that I was not expecting. The memories of that day, the moments, the words, they haunt me. I remember joyfully sharing my sonogram pictures, leaving voicemails for my husband with boys names that I liked, and then getting a voicemail from my doctor asking for me to call her on her cell and my life changed forever.
The moments during that phone call, the empathy in my doctor's voice, the words she said. I remember sitting there writing words down as she said them. As I wrote the word "fatal" my heart shattered. I remember calling my coworker, and struggling to say the words. How do you explain that the child you are carrying will die? Then how do you call your husband at work and tell him that his son will die? That moment, having to tell my husband, my best friend, the father of my child, there are not words to describe that moment.
I don't think I was prepared for this wave of memories and emotions. I guess I had myself fooled, thinking I had locked everything away in a safe place. The problem is that my heart is still shattered and anything that I lock in there can still leak out.
Ryan, there is not an hour that goes by that I don't think of you, miss you, wonder how different our lives would be if you were here with us. I love you.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, July 1, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Nine months
Dear Ryan,
Tomorrow you will be 9 months old and it aches in my heart that you are not growing up in my arms. I may not write as much anymore or talk about you as much, but I can promise that I still love, think of you all the time and ache to have you here with us. I am looking at a family picture right now from when you big brother was right around nine months and I wonder if you would look like him. Would you have the same fine hair or the same blue eyes? You had his mouth, that perfect sweet mouth. How I wish I could hold you right now, hug you tight, whisper in your ear that "mommy loves you". I wish I could watch you sleep tonight. But enough wishing, my wishes came true while I held you in my arms, no amount of time would have ever been enough. May you continue to watch over us from heaven and feel our love radiating to you.
Love,
Mommy
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Tomorrow you will be 9 months old and it aches in my heart that you are not growing up in my arms. I may not write as much anymore or talk about you as much, but I can promise that I still love, think of you all the time and ache to have you here with us. I am looking at a family picture right now from when you big brother was right around nine months and I wonder if you would look like him. Would you have the same fine hair or the same blue eyes? You had his mouth, that perfect sweet mouth. How I wish I could hold you right now, hug you tight, whisper in your ear that "mommy loves you". I wish I could watch you sleep tonight. But enough wishing, my wishes came true while I held you in my arms, no amount of time would have ever been enough. May you continue to watch over us from heaven and feel our love radiating to you.
Love,
Mommy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Redeemer
So, my four year old has a new favorite song. He wants to listen to it every morning and every afternoon (and would listen to it more, if I would let him). He sits in the back seat of my car and sings along to all of the words. Everyday, I listen to the words and realize how through his favorite song, I am receiving a daily message to guide me through my journey.
The Redeemer
~Sanctus Real
Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again
But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new
Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here
And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new
I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive
Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)
'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new
The Redeemer
~Sanctus Real
Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again
But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new
Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here
And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new
I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive
Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)
'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Storytelling
I haven't written much lately and I am really behind on the blogs I follow, but I find myself relaxing and getting a pedicure on a beautiful Saturday. Since it feels a little self indulgent to be pampering myself in the middle of the day, instead of being at home, I thought I would multitask to feel productive.
Probably about two months ago (maybe more, time doesn't always seem relative anymore!), I received a letter in the mail from the fetal and infant mortality board for the county where I live. When I first saw the letter, I was confused. I had some moments of panic thinking that they thought I did something to cause my son to die. The letter didn't say anything to that affect, but all I had to see was the words mortality review board and my imagination took off! I read the letter and put it aside, fully intending to follow-up in my own time (which probably meant never!). Several weeks letter when I had put the letter put of my mind, I received a call from a nurse with the review board asking to schedule a home visit to interview myself and my husband. Without being sure what to say, I just told her I needed to talk it over with my husband. My husband decided he was not comfortable with the request, which I truly understood. I decided, though, that I wanted the chance to talk about Ryan. When I was pregnant I had decided I would tell Ryan's story at any opportunity I was given and this was an opportunity. I did ask to not have the meeting at home and instead made arrangements to meet at a Starbucks (a delicious drink couldn't hurt!). So, on a Thursday afternoon, I took off early from work and was interviewed by a nurse from a mortality review board.
The meeting lasted two hours and we talked about everything from my previous pregnancy, my pregnancy with Ryan, learning of his diagnosis, Ryan's birth and death, and the time since his death. If a topic could be discussed it was. I was able to share all the positive aspects of my pregnancy and ideas of what could have brought more comfort knowing I was continuing a pregnancy when my child would not leave the hospital with me. For me, it was a wonderful opportunity to talk about Ryan! It was also a chance where I might be able to use my experience to benefit another mom who finds herself in this journey. At this time it was also explained me why they do these interviews. In the county where I live, the review board meets once a month and reviews all cases of fetal and infant death. They obtain data from medical records and when able from family interviews, with the hopes of identifying anything that can help reduce these situations. Apparently the infant mortality rate in the county where I live is higher than the national average. They also use the information gathered to make others aware of available resources and to ensure the moms and families are receiving these services. The board is comprised of doctors, nurses, social workers and others who have a chance to have a positive impact on BLMs.
I found out that just this past week Ryan's case was presented. Now, when they present the cases, all identifying information is reviewed, but I have a coworker who attends the meeting and she knew it was Ryan's story (helps when your child has a rare diagnosis). It was nice to be able to hear from her that his story was presented in a way that I would have been proud of and that it touched the members of the board. It feels good to know that his story continues, it did not end with his last breath.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Probably about two months ago (maybe more, time doesn't always seem relative anymore!), I received a letter in the mail from the fetal and infant mortality board for the county where I live. When I first saw the letter, I was confused. I had some moments of panic thinking that they thought I did something to cause my son to die. The letter didn't say anything to that affect, but all I had to see was the words mortality review board and my imagination took off! I read the letter and put it aside, fully intending to follow-up in my own time (which probably meant never!). Several weeks letter when I had put the letter put of my mind, I received a call from a nurse with the review board asking to schedule a home visit to interview myself and my husband. Without being sure what to say, I just told her I needed to talk it over with my husband. My husband decided he was not comfortable with the request, which I truly understood. I decided, though, that I wanted the chance to talk about Ryan. When I was pregnant I had decided I would tell Ryan's story at any opportunity I was given and this was an opportunity. I did ask to not have the meeting at home and instead made arrangements to meet at a Starbucks (a delicious drink couldn't hurt!). So, on a Thursday afternoon, I took off early from work and was interviewed by a nurse from a mortality review board.
The meeting lasted two hours and we talked about everything from my previous pregnancy, my pregnancy with Ryan, learning of his diagnosis, Ryan's birth and death, and the time since his death. If a topic could be discussed it was. I was able to share all the positive aspects of my pregnancy and ideas of what could have brought more comfort knowing I was continuing a pregnancy when my child would not leave the hospital with me. For me, it was a wonderful opportunity to talk about Ryan! It was also a chance where I might be able to use my experience to benefit another mom who finds herself in this journey. At this time it was also explained me why they do these interviews. In the county where I live, the review board meets once a month and reviews all cases of fetal and infant death. They obtain data from medical records and when able from family interviews, with the hopes of identifying anything that can help reduce these situations. Apparently the infant mortality rate in the county where I live is higher than the national average. They also use the information gathered to make others aware of available resources and to ensure the moms and families are receiving these services. The board is comprised of doctors, nurses, social workers and others who have a chance to have a positive impact on BLMs.
I found out that just this past week Ryan's case was presented. Now, when they present the cases, all identifying information is reviewed, but I have a coworker who attends the meeting and she knew it was Ryan's story (helps when your child has a rare diagnosis). It was nice to be able to hear from her that his story was presented in a way that I would have been proud of and that it touched the members of the board. It feels good to know that his story continues, it did not end with his last breath.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, May 16, 2011
This is the stuff...8 months
8 months of empty arms.
8 months of hidden tears.
8 months of unanswered questions.
8 months of guilt, sadness, frustration, anger.
It has been 8 months, and some days I feel as empty in my gut as my arms are empty, aching.
I came across a song today "This is the Stuff" by Francesca Battistelli
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is my plan, to do what I can to focus on my blessings. To not just remember Ryan in sadness, but to remember the blessing of holding him in this live with the promise of the next.
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff you use
8 months of hidden tears.
8 months of unanswered questions.
8 months of guilt, sadness, frustration, anger.
It has been 8 months, and some days I feel as empty in my gut as my arms are empty, aching.
I came across a song today "This is the Stuff" by Francesca Battistelli
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is my plan, to do what I can to focus on my blessings. To not just remember Ryan in sadness, but to remember the blessing of holding him in this live with the promise of the next.
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff you use
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I haven't been writing too much lately. My mind just feels kind of empty, or maybe just full of thoughts that run through but don't stay long, so this may bit a bit of a rambling post.
Right now I am hanging out with my little man who is slightly under the weather. He keeps running low grade temps and then spiking a fever once or twice a day. We already have an appointment for him to see the pediatrician tomorrow, because I got a call from his daycare Friday that he was messing with his ears. For those who don't know, Sean has had ear infections since he was 3 months old. In fact by the time be was 10 months, he had 11 infections! At that point, he had ear tubes placed and while it took time we definitely noticed an improvement. We even got to experience a 6 month period of no doctor's appointments!!! Just about two months ago, Sean had a nasty ear infection (the drainage made my stomach turn!), but a good course of antibiotic ear drops and oral antibiotics and life was good again. Lately though, he has complained that when he yawns, he doesn't hear the same. Now add on the occasional fever and ear pain, and I am afraid there may be another ear infection! Of course, my mind doesn't stop there. My worrying mind seems to get carried away more now after loading Ryan. I just have a fear that someone else I love is going to get snatched away from me.
Every day is a balance of trying to live for the day while remembering the past and hoping for the future. I wish I could say I have found a good balance...I normally function by compartmentalizing. I put thoughts of Ryan and memories of him in a little pocket of my brain, tucked away for me to peek at when I am all alone. I am almost ashamed to admit a conversation from last week. I was at work and someone who works for another facility was up on the floor I work on and needless to say, this is not my favorite person. Nothing personal against him, but not someone I am comfortable around or who has come off as genuine in previous encounters. I normally manage to avoid him, but no such luck this day. Well, he came up to talk to me and proceeded to comment that I was pregnant the last time he saw me and I must have had my baby. I just looked at him and replied "my son died from a fatal genetic disorder". It worked, conversation over. So there you go, my lowest of lows. I used my son's death to get out of the conversation, now to my credit, I didn't bring up the topic.
Sorry, not a whole lot of positive thoughts going through my mind right now.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Right now I am hanging out with my little man who is slightly under the weather. He keeps running low grade temps and then spiking a fever once or twice a day. We already have an appointment for him to see the pediatrician tomorrow, because I got a call from his daycare Friday that he was messing with his ears. For those who don't know, Sean has had ear infections since he was 3 months old. In fact by the time be was 10 months, he had 11 infections! At that point, he had ear tubes placed and while it took time we definitely noticed an improvement. We even got to experience a 6 month period of no doctor's appointments!!! Just about two months ago, Sean had a nasty ear infection (the drainage made my stomach turn!), but a good course of antibiotic ear drops and oral antibiotics and life was good again. Lately though, he has complained that when he yawns, he doesn't hear the same. Now add on the occasional fever and ear pain, and I am afraid there may be another ear infection! Of course, my mind doesn't stop there. My worrying mind seems to get carried away more now after loading Ryan. I just have a fear that someone else I love is going to get snatched away from me.
Every day is a balance of trying to live for the day while remembering the past and hoping for the future. I wish I could say I have found a good balance...I normally function by compartmentalizing. I put thoughts of Ryan and memories of him in a little pocket of my brain, tucked away for me to peek at when I am all alone. I am almost ashamed to admit a conversation from last week. I was at work and someone who works for another facility was up on the floor I work on and needless to say, this is not my favorite person. Nothing personal against him, but not someone I am comfortable around or who has come off as genuine in previous encounters. I normally manage to avoid him, but no such luck this day. Well, he came up to talk to me and proceeded to comment that I was pregnant the last time he saw me and I must have had my baby. I just looked at him and replied "my son died from a fatal genetic disorder". It worked, conversation over. So there you go, my lowest of lows. I used my son's death to get out of the conversation, now to my credit, I didn't bring up the topic.
Sorry, not a whole lot of positive thoughts going through my mind right now.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Happy list
One big thing on my happy list -
A change in my work assignment! I had covered the same floors at the hospital I work at for 6.5 years and it was definitely time for a change. My new floors have a different pace, allowing for less stress, and a totally different opportunity. For the first time in a long time, I left work on time (or close to) almost everyday and I did not have a headache all week! I can't explain the difference more than that and that I had a coworker that commented that she hadn't seen me smile that much at work in a long time. I am hopeful that this change will allow me to tap into my grief to be a better social worker and that it will also allow me to be a better mom at home. My shoulders still feel tight, but hopefully in time, they will loosen up as well! I am grateful for my wonderful coworkers and my manager that recognized and understood my need for a change!
It is also nice to see the sun out this week!
Hoping and praying that all BLMs have a peaceful Mother's Day!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
A change in my work assignment! I had covered the same floors at the hospital I work at for 6.5 years and it was definitely time for a change. My new floors have a different pace, allowing for less stress, and a totally different opportunity. For the first time in a long time, I left work on time (or close to) almost everyday and I did not have a headache all week! I can't explain the difference more than that and that I had a coworker that commented that she hadn't seen me smile that much at work in a long time. I am hopeful that this change will allow me to tap into my grief to be a better social worker and that it will also allow me to be a better mom at home. My shoulders still feel tight, but hopefully in time, they will loosen up as well! I am grateful for my wonderful coworkers and my manager that recognized and understood my need for a change!
It is also nice to see the sun out this week!
Hoping and praying that all BLMs have a peaceful Mother's Day!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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