Are there any available teleporters out there? I would even take a time machine or a jet that can pick me up at my door. I just need to get away!
How is it, that life always seems to know just when you think you might be starting to get it together? It is always at those times that I feel like "life" figures out a way to kick me and remind me that I am not as pulled together as I think I am. To remind me that I haven't "gotten past" things and I haven't conquered things. That there are still so many things I have not figured out. Life always has a good way of reminding me that the journey will never be without adventure and that the adventures will not always feel good.
Lately, I had felt like I was managing. I was living my day to day life without breakdowns. I was able to concentrate and have some good days. Ryan was still at the front of my thoughts more often than not, but it was more like a presence, he was just there. I had really stopped talking about him, maybe because that way I could protect myself from the grief and pain that I have now realized was hanging out just under the surface. I had become a "lurker" on the website site community of other mom's walking the same journey. I was no longer commenting, just lurking and even that was done rarely. I had found a safe bubble that I was surviving in.
But then...came church. Being at church during my pregnancy was often were I would stop trying to hold things in and acknowledge the pain, the doubt, the worries. In the last month, though, I had even figured out how to hold it together at church, no more tears. On Sunday, though, listening to the sermon (yes, I do listen!) there was one part that just stung. It was probably a passing moment for others. It was a brief discussion of why we have children, of the relationships we hope to have, the holidays we plan to celebrate, the birthdays, the accomplishments. And in that brief moment, every part of my heart that I thought was healing, just ripped back open. Even now, the tears continue to come as I think of the things I was looking forward to experiencing with Ryan that will never be - the first smile, laugh, hearing his cry, his first Christmas, his first step - all of those moments. And I find myself sad and angry all over again!
That moment just seemed to be the tipping point. At work on Monday, I worked with a family to make arrangements for hospice. It is not an everyday activity for me at work, but it is a regular occurrence and I had worked on hospice arrangements previously since I returned to work. But this one, it just hit home. It was a family that had just learned that their loved had limited time, they had no preparation, this wasn't a drawn out disease, the individual wasn't in their 80s or 90s, and the family was hurting. It was a reminder of not feeling ready, but are you ever ready to bury a child? I still remember when I was told the night Ryan was born that he would have to be delivered, I looked at Scott and said "I'm not ready". I wanted more time and I still long for time.
Later that same day, I had a patient ask about a necklace I was wearing. It is one of my favorite necklaces because it has both of my boy's names on it. I answered the patient's question but telling her just that and then she asked how old my boys were. I didn't even see it coming, but there was no answer I could give other than the truth - one is 4 and one died shortly after birth...
I don't know that I ever realized how tricky grief is, how it hides out and then sneaks around the corner and hits you face on without any expectation. Ryan, it has been 4 months and I miss you so!
I know there is a mom out there today giving birth to another child with TD. My heart goes out to her, her family and her beautiful child. May God wrapping his loving arms around her...
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