Resolution

A new year. I have never been big on New Year's Resolutions. For those who don't know, I am a bit of a perfectionist and New Year's Resolutions just present an opportunity to fail (I don't like that!). But this year is different, I am different. I am not going to have a long list of resolutions, instead I have one basic one - Reduce the Clutter!

Now for me, the clutter has a physical aspect. Our home has clutter. Don't worry Scott won't be offended by that statement. We all contribute to the clutter. But this will be the year of purging and simplifying.

But there is so much more than the physical clutter, there is the emotional clutter, the trying to be perfect. This year is about being selfish. While I love being a wife and mom, I realize that right now there are moments that it has to be about me. I have to find ways to take care of myself so that I can be a wife and mom. This past year, I have had people comment on my strength and it always takes me back. I will tell you that Scott was strong, Ryan was strong, but if you could look inside of me, you would see crumbles. But I won't fall apart, I'm too stubborn. Well, that, and I have an amazing God, husband, family and friends who don't even realize that they are the glue holding me together.

There were all the moments I never thought I would survive. I never thought I could hold my son while he died and now I won't trade that moment (well, unless he got to home with me). But basically, I couldn't imagine him dying out of my arms. I never thought I would get through having to bury my son, but I did. I never imagined that I could have good holidays without him, but I did. Please don't think that I didn't miss him or that I didn't spend time thinking about what our holidays should have been like, but we were able to find joy in the holidays. My greatest gift at Christmas was that Ryan's marker had been placed at his grave and that I could run my fingers across the letters of his name. It was hard to watch Sean play with his cousins and know that I will never see that with Ryan. My heart still aches every day, but every day I survive and I will continue to do so because of Ryan and for Ryan.

So this is it, the year of reducing clutter. Getting rid of physical clutter, financial clutter and emotional clutter. The year of simplifying. Of recognizing the blessings in our life and just enjoying time with each other.