Enough

I know I have often said that I have had enough, whether in relation to work, things at home, or three year old tantrums, but our current experience has redefined "enough". I would describe myself as living most days at my breaking point, just barely pulling it together to make it through the day. Now please don't think that our house is all gloom and doom (that would be pretty tough living with my crazy child), but I would say that most days all it would take is a few words, a story, a song, almost anything to make me feel like I am not capable of keeping it together. We still work hard to have good days and this weekend we got to spend time at Scott's brother's home swimming and have quality family time. The rest of the weekend was when I wanted to scream that I had enough.

Early Sunday morning, Scott woke up in incredible pain, so we made a family trip to the ED. Scott ended up with kidney stones, which the experience I am pretty sure is something he never wants to experience again. Scott spent most of the day sleeping off all of the medications, hoping that the stones had all passed and the experience was over. Unfortunately, when he was working on Tuesday, the pain came back and he ended up checking into the ED. During that time it was determined that there is still one stone hanging out that is more than double the size of the previous. That was not news that Scott wanted to hear!

In the midst of those events, we had both taken Monday off of work to take care of something that we just wanted done. We had an appointment at a funeral home to make arrangements. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to back out of the appointment and how much I struggled with it. I had a lot of internal struggles where I would think that if I went through with the appointment I would be demonstrating a lack of faith. I kept thinking that if we made these plans that I would be showing that I did not believe that a miracle could happen. I would like to say that those thoughts don't come back any more, but they do. I try to remind myself that we are just preparing for the possible scenerios while still wishing and praying for the chance to bring Ryan home. If it wasn't for Scott I would not have made it into the funeral home or through the appointment. He took the lead on questions and provided most of the information while I tried not to cry and dug my fingernails in to my hands. I haven't talked much about the appointment, I feel like I am just rambling writing about it. It is just hard to put words to the experience. To walk into a building pregnant with a child and make plans for the child's funeral before he is even born, it just doesn't make sense and it hurts more than I could ever explain.