Bunnies and more (Saturday happy list)

My happy list for the week. The month of March has been a difficult one, so it is nice to take the time and focus on some good moments. Natasha, I am so glad you started this!

Bunnies and knowing that other's remember Ryan (yes there is a story behind this, but it is for another day)

Spring, flowers, new leaves on the trees, the hope for new beginnings

My FAVORITE pants and comfy socks! Perfect for lounging on the couch.

Backyard baseball (Lucy even found a safe spot to watch!)

Now, for an evening of hot dogs and ice cream. Our annual dinner to celebrate the start of baseball season!

Empty

I feel empty. Empty of thoughts, void of feelings, tired, worn out, empty. Most weeks I process a lot of thoughts thinking about what I will write on here and this week there has been nothing.

I wish I had some wonderful revelation this week or some great moment of joy, but I feel like I have stalled out. The tears are still right there, almost waiting for the most inconvenient time to let loose. But the sobs, they aren't there, evenly tears are silent, empty.

I want to cry out for comfort, for peace, for something, but even that takes more than I have right now.

Ryan, momma misses you more than I have words to explain...


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Happy list

After reading everyone else's happy lists the last few weeks I have decided to join in, because this week has been a week where I needed to focus on some happy thoughts. And all the other happy lists bring a smile to my face. This is a great weekly reminder of happiness!.

This beautiful image of Ryan's name in the sands of Hawaii. Thank you, Angel Babies; Names in the Sand

This canvas that was given to me by a sweet coworker in memory of Ryan. I love having it in my office to look at everyday, especially in those moments when the ache is so strong. It is a perfect reminder of my little king who will forever live in my heart!

Sean's sweet face (what mother wouldn't love that!)

Sunshine





A beautiful spring day with a breeze in the air, spent enjoying some college baseball with my family.




Here is to the hope for more happy moments than sad in the week to come...

Beginning

Could it really be that one year ago, tomorrow, I confirmed I was pregnant with my second child. I can't believe it has been a year. A year since that moment of joy and excitement. I remember feelings of anxiety wondering how we were going to manage and adapt to having a second child, if only I knew then, to cherish every moment of the pregnancy. It wasn't even that I didn't cherish it, I even took a picture that day a year ago to have proof of the positive pregnancy test (and I had splurged on the test with words!)




I just remember worrying about finances and can I really control, okay, maybe not control, but somewhat manage two children! I wish I could go back to those moments...

This month has been tough. Last week was the six month point since Ryan's birth and tomorrow is not only the year anniversary of when I learned I was pregnant but the 6 month anniversary of Ryan's funeral...

Tonight there a lot of words swimming around in my head, but my thoughts feel jumbled and nothing seems to fit right. I am frustrated and sad and I ache. I want my baby...

I get mad and myself and feel guilty because when I start feeling this way, I know that I am not the mom I want to be or should be for Sean and then my heart breaks again...

There are still moments that I think this must be a nightmare, I have to wake up one day...

I want to find the words to get this out of my head and lift the weight from my chest. The tears don't fall as often anymore, but that ache, it is still there. That wish that I could hold my son again, and not some day in the future, but right now.

Small Miracles Blog Hop #2

Well, I am a day late, but with good reason! This is the second month of the small miracles blog hop and I just got home from a weekend with family. Several of us gathered to go through items and help clean my grandmother's house as she has moved to an Alzheimer's center, so while it was bittersweet, it was good to be back at a home that holds so many memories from my childhood and to see my son running around creating his own memories.

When I think about the small miracles in my life recently, I really think a lot about my 4 year old. While Sean is known to drive me crazy at time, he has such a sweet spirit and a smile that can melt me in an instant. This past week has been hard as we hit the 6 month point since Ryan's birth and we are coming up on the year anniversary of when I learned I was pregnant. But in those moment, Sean has shown me that he remembers his baby brother. In fact, he is only of the only people who will say Ryan's name. I thought I would share the ways that he has talked about Ryan recently, because those moments feel my heart with hope.

Sean likes to ask about what God has in Heaven. He has asked if God has baby food, or if we need to send some. This past week, Sean asked if God had diapers. I told him that I was sure he does and then he asked if God has pottys. I figured he was going somewhere with this, so I asked him if he thinks that God has a potty in Heaven. Sean responded "No, He doesn't have a potty. Ryan has to tee tee in the grass." I know it is a pretty bizarre topic, but for a four year old, the potty can be a topic of conversation and a focus of the day!

Sean and I went to visit Ryan's grave on his 6 month birthday. We refer to it as "Ryan's spot" and I have been caught off guard by Sean's reaction. Sean loves to look at all the flowers at the graves and see the pinwheels and other items left at the other baby markers. This time, he talked to Ryan. Well, more like yelled to Ryan and described his flowers and St. Patrick's day items. And as we drove away, from the back seat I heard, "Can we come back to Ryan's spot tomorrow?" What a great big brother.

Then today, out of nowhere, during our car ride home, Sean pipped up from the back seat to inform us that Ryan must be getting big, because he is eating a lot of baby food...

Six months

Six months since I held my precious, beautiful son. Six months and I don't even really known what I want to say. I want to scream and remind people that I have 2 sons! I want to shout Ryan's name. I want people to understand the depth of my grief.

I am so thankful for those who will say Ryan's name, it is music to my ears and brings a joy to my heart that is indescribable. Just to know he is remembered...

When I returned to work after Ryan's death, I carried his pictures with me just like any other proud mother. Most people did not ask about Ryan or mention his name, but it did not stop me, I shoved those pictures at anyone I could. Well, I would ask before I would hand over the photo album, but if someone wanted to decline the opportunity of looking at them, they didnt have the guts to say it. Some people may find it strange or even offensive to others to share pictures of a child who had died, but I honestly did not care. I was a proud mother and I wanted to share my beautiful son. I wanted people to acknowledge that my son existed. From the moment I learned of Ryan's diagnosis I was on a quest. A quest to ensure that my child would not be forgotten, that his story would not just be remembered but SHARED. That his name would be spoken. I struggle sometimes thinking about how I will achieve this when he already seems forgotten, when his name is already rarely spoken outside of my home.

Dear Ryan,

Six months ago I held you in my arms and how they ache for you now. I am still so very proud of you! And I am so proud to call myself your mother! I think of you all the time. It is baseball season, and I so wish you could be enjoying the games with your dad and big brother. We are a family of four and you will forever be carried in our hearts. I wish I could see you in heaven, see you healed, happy and safe in the arms of God. In my head I am so thankful that you are being held in the arms of your Father, but my heart still wants you here with me and your Daddy. I miss you every moment and love you so very much!
Love,
Mommy

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Laughter

There isn't much that gets a smile on my face quicker than hearing my son, Sean's laughter. I think Sean has a beautiful insight into the wonder of laughter.

On Sunday, we took a family trip to visit Ryan's marker. We brought out the St Patrick's Day decorations and let Sean put them out. On the drive home, Sean perked up from the back seat to ask if Ryan can hear us. I reassured him that he can (the same reassurance Sean provided me last week). Sean then proceeded to inform us that Ryan needs a toy, one that makes noise. Sean clarified that the toy needs to laugh, because he knows that if Ryan hears the toy laugh, he will laugh as well. Ahhhh, sweet boy you are a great big brother and you would have been the best at making Ryan laugh. Come to think of it, I am sure he has been cracking up some days watching you!



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