"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." Robert Frost
How I want it to stand still! I want time to stop and go in reverse, or atleast go on hold. Five months is too long. I want to hold Ryan again. I want to smell his head and count his fingers and toes. I want to take him all in again. But no matter what I want, life goes on.
During my pregnancy I was given a bracelet that had a cross on it that was also a prayer box. I received it after learning of Ryan's diagnosis and worry nearly every day. The piece of paper in the prayer box had a simple prayer for peace and comfort and for Ryan. I remember sitting with my hands on my belly and the cross lying there and I would pass my thumb over the cross while praying for Ryan. The prayers would range from thankfulness for my son, hopes to feel his kicks, hopes to meet him in this live and the ultimate hope for the miracle I wouldnt even dare to speak of.
I have lost the bracelet and I am mad. Mad at myself for not realizing it was gone right away and mad at God. Yes, I am mad at God over a bracelet! Was not everything else I have endured enough. Is it not enough that I have buried a child, that now I don't have the item that is connected to memories of my time with Ryan. The item that symbolized my faith that God was not abandoning me or my child, that he could find a way for there to be a positive outcome for a devastating situation! I know it is just metal, but it is so much more. I know I am still blessed, but I also still feel surrounded by darkness and I am not feeling as confident about the breaking of dawn to bring forth the light.
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