Easter

It is hard to imagine that last Easter, I was blissfully unaware of what life had in store for me. I was excited to be pregnant and enjoying imagining the future of my family. It wasn't all blissful innocence, though. I remember after the Good Friday service, talking to my pastor, and telling him about the pregnancy. At the time I was being worked up for some autoimmunine disorders (which all came back fine) and had some fears/concerns about how that could impact my pregnancy. I truly had no idea that Ryan's life was already destined to be brief.

Lately, being at church, has truly stirred some struggles in my soul. I am back to crying every service so now I prepare ahead of time with the waterproof mascara to try to keep my tears secret. It used to be the songs that would evoke the tears, but now it is the silence, the moments of talking to God. In those moments, I can barely form thoughts, much less any meaningul sentences. Instead words will simply run through my head and tears will roll down my face. See, I want to say that I rejoice for my son, that I am so glad that he is in his enternal home, but I still struggle with wanting him here, in my arms. I want to understand the purpose of his life and the purpose of this trial for my family.

Last Sunday, during the sermon there was discussion about being dissapointed in God. That is a dangerous topic for me. I admit it, I am disappointed. I am ashamed to even admit it, but I am. There is no explaination, it is just simply that. It still hurts, the grief is still ever present, I just don't talk about it, except here. Throughout this journey, I have continued to go to church, even in my anger and disappointment, simply because of faith. Faith and hope in the Easter story. Today it was said that because of the resurrection, "death is not death". Because our God sacrificed his son, I can live in hope of holding my son in my arms again. Without that hope, I don't know that I could do this. I know I may never know the "why" for Ryan's story, but I continue to hope that one day I will feel at peace. I trust in a God who can understand my suffering, who sent his own son to suffer, for me, for my family, for my children.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?" John 14:1-2

Names

I am joining up with Rachel at A Lasting Footprint for the What's in a Name Blog hop.

Both of my sons' names were chosen during pregnancy. We never made a list and I can't even remember what other names made the list for either of our boys!



Sean Michael
My husband came up with the name Sean just out of nowhere and it just felt right! Of course, at the time he did not share with me that he came up with the name from Sean Connery!!!! After we ha decided on the name Sean, I looked up the meaning and it just fit - God is gracious. What a perfect name from our gift. We were so blessed by Sean.

Sean's middle name, Micheal, he shares with his daddy (also his middle name). I actually just looked up the meaning of Michael (hadn't before because, he was just carrying on his daddy's name) and it means - like God/gift from God. Sean is definitely a gift from a gracious God.



Ryan James
We had not picked out or even discussed names during the early part of my pregnancy with Ryan. We were holding off on the discussion until we knew if we were having a boy or girl. Then we got hit by the bombshell of a fatal diagnosis on the same day we learned we were going to have another son. The day after we received this news, my husband and I were out trying to be "normal" and eating lunch at the cheesecake factory (I like to try to cope with good food). Sitting at that table, I told my husband that I needed to name my son. Within minutes we knew his name. Please don't think that we came up with a name quickly because it didn't matter, we came up with a name quickly because it was the perfect name for our child. Neither Ryan or James was a name that we had ever discussed before, but they were placed on our hearts. When I looked up the meaning of the name Ryan, it brought tears to my eyes - little king (thus Our Little King). How perfect the name was. Our son was diagnosed with a fatal form of dwarfism, but no matter how small his stature, he would rule our hearts. His importance does not lie in his size or the length of his life, his legacy will be much greater.

I did not realize at the time and only recently learned that James is a family name - from my great grandfather. James is normally listed as meaning supplanter, but I prefer the meaning - grasping at the heel. It reminds me of how Ryan grasped to life to have those moments with us. How he fought to take those few breathes.

The names for our boys never came from a list, they just came, almost as if they choose us.

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Happy Moments

Excited to be sharing another list of happy moments! As I mentioned in my list last week, I had a day off!!!!! It was a random, Tuesday, and it was the first time I just took a day off for me. I really needed it (I probably need a mental health week!). I used my day to treat myself to a manicure and pedicure! Look - still looking good!

On Friday, when picking Sean up from daycare, one of the boys in his class walked right up to me and handed me this picture. May seem a little strange, but I can explain (well, why it was significant, not why he knew to give it to me ~ that explaination belongs to someone greater than me). When I sat down with Sean to explain to him that his little brother would not be able to come and grow up with him, he asked a few questions, then when satisfied, hopped off the chair, picked up his stuffed lion and named him Ryan. That stuffed lion was then placed by Ryan's casket at his graveside service. Needless to say, there is a special place in my heart for little lions.

Another weekend, another family outing! This time to the arts festival in our town, we are there every year! Here is my little artist (if you look, you might notice a football theme!).

The best moment of the week was this morning. When I was joined by 6 friends to walk at the March for Babies in memory of Ryan. I had been hesitant about doing the walk, for several different reasons to long to explain in this list. But a few weeks ago, I was approached by a co-worker who asked if I would want to do the walk and if I would mind if a group walked in Ryan's memory! I was so touched and still hesitant, but decided to go for it and I am so glad I did. It was a great experience and I am already thinking about next year!

Hoping everyone has a happy week!

Relaxing

Today was my day to relax. I took a "mental health" day from work and made plans to get a haircut and redeem a spa gift card with a manicure and pedicure. Throw in a little shopping, some new shoes and it is a pretty perfect day! Except, I determined that when I relax, my mind lets it's walls down and the thoughts/memories come running in. Now, don't get me wrong, it was a good day, just struggled with some thoughts.

So, the pedicure was awesome!!!! It was called "ultimate" and was a definite indulgence for me. The pedicure chair laid back, so it was like taking a nap. I also had a warm wrap around my neck and an "eye pillow". There was a breathing exercise with aromatherapy at the beginning and then silence. Silence and darkness, the perfect combination for thoughts. It started out as a conversation with God, a pretty honest one. Thankfully, God knows my heart so hopefully he could make out the jumble of the conversation. I know I told him that I feel lost and angry. I told him that I don't know where to go from here. I told him I miss my son and begged to know that my son is ok. I talked to him about being scared even thinking about having another child. I told him how much I am currently struggling to figure out how to effectively parent Sean and how to always ensure that he knows he is loved.

As the pedicure continued, I could feel the tears welling up and I was grateful for that eye pillow! As she was scrapping off my calluses (great image, isn't it?!?!), I thought about how that is what I am going through in life. I have all these rough spots, where I try to protect myself. Calluses that block in the thoughts of sadness, the memories of holding my son's delicate body in my hand, the memories of my pregnant tummy when he was still with me, safe. I block the thoughts of regrets, the handprints I don't have, the words I did not say, the preparations I did not have time for, the pictures I don't have from my pregnancy. I block the memories of the hurtful things that were said to me, the memories of those who ignored my pregnancy because that I was easier than talking to me about my dying son, who is still my son. I block it all away, in an effort to block the pain.

The problem is there are cracks in the calluses and that pain and sadness still leaks through. And it just keeps coming, because instead of walking in my pain, acknowledging it, I hide from it. But I am trying to work on my own calluses, trying to smooth over, working to incorporate my pain and memories into who I am and who I want to be. Realizing that by doing that, I will be able to honor Ryan.

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Happy list!

Another weekend (as I am a day late!), another happy list! Still a great way for me to focus on the positive moments from the past week.

A nice Friday commute (both to and from work!). To fully understand the happiness, you must know that I only drive about 20 miles each way, but easily takes 50 minutes to an hour. To add to that, Sean rides with me. Now, I love having that time with my son but when traffic is barely moving and I am stressed about getting to work on time, or exhausted after a long day of work, the never ending questions of a 4 year old, can grate on the most patient nerves. So anytime the commute ends up taking less time, especially on a Friday, it is a happy moment!!!

Follow that with some time to myself this morning!!! Just to ride in the car, sing to my own music with no one listening or just having some moments of silence!!

Family time - last weekend at day out with Thomas (dream come true for a 4 year old little boy!)

and then a crawfish festival (for my other boy) today!

A girls night! Always a much needed and much enjoyed evening that includes good food and DESSERT! I love sweets!

The anticipation of a day off (more to come next week!)

Great friends who took the initiative to form a team for the March for Babies in memory of Ryan (more to come on that as well!)

All in all, a pretty good week! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Blog Party

I have decided to join up with the 2011 Ultimate Blog Party hosted by 5 Minutes for Mom. For those who don't know me, that is totally out of my comfort zone. I don't like to put myself put there for others to read about, but this past year has changed how I think about a lot of things. Come join the party by clicking on the button above!

Here is all about me and my blog!

I am a 31 year old working mom. I am married to an amazing man who has seen me at my best and at my worst and loves me in spite! I work as a medical social worker, which can be stressful and rewarding at the same time. This past year I have been refined by my role as a mom. I have a beautiful, vivacious, crazy (in a god way) 4 year old son. I am also mom to a beautiful son in heaven.

I started my blog as a way to keep family and friends informed during my pregnancy with Ryan, after we learned of his fatal diagnosis. It has allowed me an environment to brag about my child whose life was 29 weeks and 5 days while I carries him and 1 hour and 57 minutes while his dad and I held him in our arms. As his mom, I have found this blog as a way to share his story and connect with an amazing community of other moms whose children are inspiring others from their heavenly homes.

This blog has been my place to process my grief, to share the thoughts I can't speak. It has been my place to share moments of unmeasurable sadness and those moments when joy has snuck back in my life. It has also become a place where I can keep memories of my older son and share my challenges and struggles for personal growth.

Simply, this blog is where my heart finds words and healing.


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One small step

One of my biggest struggles since Ryan's birth is being around other babies. I walk through stores and see little ones asleep in their car carriers, little ones being carried in their father's arms, moms shushing their sweet cries and my heart just breaks, the pieces they crack a little bit more. The sound of those cries, how I wish I could have heard Ryan's sweet cry. I remember sitting in church not many weeks after Ryan died and my tears flowed as I heard the sound of a little one crying. After church, Scott told me that when he hears the cries and laughter of other babies, he hears Ryan telling us hello. I was so glad to know that he was thinking of Ryan and then so jealous that he could fine something positive in something so heartbreaking.

Four months later, a good friend had a beautiful baby girl and I couldn't bring myself to visit them in the hospital. I felt so ashamed and so guilty that I could not join them in their moment of joy when they had walked with my family through our grief. Once they had made it back home, I finally gathered my resolve and made my way to their house with the intention of just dropping off a gift. But my friend knew, she knew I was struggling and welcomed me into her home. She welcomed me tears and all. I don't remember much from the visit, except the beauty of their daughter sleeping and the tears welling in my eyes.

Since that day, I have seen her daughter one more time and otherwise I have shied away from being around babies. At work, I would experience extreme anxiety at the thought of having to see a patient in the women's hospital. I don't trust myself to hold it together enough to speak to a patient with a newborn in the room. Thinking of this, I am flooded with emotions of grief, anger, jealousy, and simply profound sadness. Even writing about it the tears are starting to fall.

All of this, leads me to my one small step. My little accomplishment. Another good friend of mine, had a daughter who was born just over a month before Ryan. At the time her daughter was born, I was still so engulfed in preparing to say goodbye to my son that I did not greet her daughter. I had already missed her shower earlier because it was held just a few weeks after we learned of Ryan's diagnosis. I have since struggled with feeling like a crummy friend. Just yesterday, I met her daughter for the first time. She is 7 months old and adorable! I sat beside her and smiled at her, touched her hand and rubbed her back while she fell asleep. The tears stayed hidden, but the thoughts that ran through my head. The thoughts that I should have a little boy just a month younger to cuddle in my arms. I wonder, would he love to cuddle like I think he would, would he love to laugh like his big brother, would he be sitting up. But even with those thoughts, even with the hidden tears, I was present, I was there.


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