One small step

One of my biggest struggles since Ryan's birth is being around other babies. I walk through stores and see little ones asleep in their car carriers, little ones being carried in their father's arms, moms shushing their sweet cries and my heart just breaks, the pieces they crack a little bit more. The sound of those cries, how I wish I could have heard Ryan's sweet cry. I remember sitting in church not many weeks after Ryan died and my tears flowed as I heard the sound of a little one crying. After church, Scott told me that when he hears the cries and laughter of other babies, he hears Ryan telling us hello. I was so glad to know that he was thinking of Ryan and then so jealous that he could fine something positive in something so heartbreaking.

Four months later, a good friend had a beautiful baby girl and I couldn't bring myself to visit them in the hospital. I felt so ashamed and so guilty that I could not join them in their moment of joy when they had walked with my family through our grief. Once they had made it back home, I finally gathered my resolve and made my way to their house with the intention of just dropping off a gift. But my friend knew, she knew I was struggling and welcomed me into her home. She welcomed me tears and all. I don't remember much from the visit, except the beauty of their daughter sleeping and the tears welling in my eyes.

Since that day, I have seen her daughter one more time and otherwise I have shied away from being around babies. At work, I would experience extreme anxiety at the thought of having to see a patient in the women's hospital. I don't trust myself to hold it together enough to speak to a patient with a newborn in the room. Thinking of this, I am flooded with emotions of grief, anger, jealousy, and simply profound sadness. Even writing about it the tears are starting to fall.

All of this, leads me to my one small step. My little accomplishment. Another good friend of mine, had a daughter who was born just over a month before Ryan. At the time her daughter was born, I was still so engulfed in preparing to say goodbye to my son that I did not greet her daughter. I had already missed her shower earlier because it was held just a few weeks after we learned of Ryan's diagnosis. I have since struggled with feeling like a crummy friend. Just yesterday, I met her daughter for the first time. She is 7 months old and adorable! I sat beside her and smiled at her, touched her hand and rubbed her back while she fell asleep. The tears stayed hidden, but the thoughts that ran through my head. The thoughts that I should have a little boy just a month younger to cuddle in my arms. I wonder, would he love to cuddle like I think he would, would he love to laugh like his big brother, would he be sitting up. But even with those thoughts, even with the hidden tears, I was present, I was there.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone