Warning, this is not a happy post. This is not a feel good post. This is a mom who is overwhelming frustrated with herself. This is a mom who is letting the tears flow. This is a mom whose heart aches and normally only shares part of the hurt, who is scared to admit to everything, scared to face all the thoughts that run through my head.
I have said that I don't regret anything about my decision to carry ryan in spite of the terminal diagnosis. But what I don't talk about are the regrets I do have. I don't like to talk about them because I want to feel like I truly treasured every moment of my time with Ryan. But they are there, no matter how much I try to ignore them. So now, I am giving myself over to them with the hope that if I write about them, it will release them.
I regret that I was upset that Ryan's due date was at Thanksgiving. At the time, I was feeling selfish and did not want to miss spending my favorite holiday with my family. Turns out I got to spend it with my family and now I am so angry with myself for having those thoughts! How could I have ever felt that way!
I regret not talking to Ryan more during the pregnancy. I have never been one of those moms to talk to my child while they are in my belly, but why didn't I do it when I knew it was the only time I had! Why didn't I tell him the stories of his mom and dad? Why didn't I tell him about his big brother? Why didn't I tell him about all the places we took him? Why did his big brother talk to him and tell him stories more than his mommy?
I regret not taking more pictures when I was pregnant and had Ryan with me! I only have two pictures! It is like my time with him is missing!
I am struggling with functioning as a mom. I disappoint and frustrate myself every day. We are going through a very trying phase with Sean right now and every day I struggle to just figure out how to be an effective parent, how to be a loving mom, how to set boundaries but allow choices so that my son grows up as a compassionate, loving, independent individual. Yes, I know that he is 4 and I am doing the best I can. Just right now, it's not good enough. I want to blame it on something - stress at work, grief, being tired - but none of that makes my heart feel better.
There it is, all out there, maybe now my heart can start to heal.
I hope writing this down does bring you more peace... I find that my regrets are the absolute hardest to write down but it always helps - even in a small way sometimes. I regret that I didn't talk with Gabrielle more when I was pregnant but try to believe that she can hear me from somewhere now. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you feel. I can honestly say that everything on your regret list is on my mine with 5 or 6 more things. Talking/writing about it does help. I hope it brought you peace.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending you hugs!!
I hope you are finding your peace... I think it's normal to have regrets, we are given such a short time to get everything 'right'. I have so many things I wish I would have done differently.
ReplyDeleteSending Love your way!
I'm not sure how I came to your blog, but I just feel that I need to post today. My little Isaac was born still 2 months ago today. I have found the experiences of others to be so strengthening to me. Thanks for posting. I have similar regrets, especially no pictures of my pregnancy. I don't have a single one, and it just pains me. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI love the fact that you had the guts to post this!! I hate that I am mostly scared to post HOW I FEEL... I dont want people to pitty me, or to freak out that I may not be coping RIGHT...like there is a RIGHT way. Thank you for saying all those things!! It really does help!! HUGS & love to you!
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