Easter

It is hard to imagine that last Easter, I was blissfully unaware of what life had in store for me. I was excited to be pregnant and enjoying imagining the future of my family. It wasn't all blissful innocence, though. I remember after the Good Friday service, talking to my pastor, and telling him about the pregnancy. At the time I was being worked up for some autoimmunine disorders (which all came back fine) and had some fears/concerns about how that could impact my pregnancy. I truly had no idea that Ryan's life was already destined to be brief.

Lately, being at church, has truly stirred some struggles in my soul. I am back to crying every service so now I prepare ahead of time with the waterproof mascara to try to keep my tears secret. It used to be the songs that would evoke the tears, but now it is the silence, the moments of talking to God. In those moments, I can barely form thoughts, much less any meaningul sentences. Instead words will simply run through my head and tears will roll down my face. See, I want to say that I rejoice for my son, that I am so glad that he is in his enternal home, but I still struggle with wanting him here, in my arms. I want to understand the purpose of his life and the purpose of this trial for my family.

Last Sunday, during the sermon there was discussion about being dissapointed in God. That is a dangerous topic for me. I admit it, I am disappointed. I am ashamed to even admit it, but I am. There is no explaination, it is just simply that. It still hurts, the grief is still ever present, I just don't talk about it, except here. Throughout this journey, I have continued to go to church, even in my anger and disappointment, simply because of faith. Faith and hope in the Easter story. Today it was said that because of the resurrection, "death is not death". Because our God sacrificed his son, I can live in hope of holding my son in my arms again. Without that hope, I don't know that I could do this. I know I may never know the "why" for Ryan's story, but I continue to hope that one day I will feel at peace. I trust in a God who can understand my suffering, who sent his own son to suffer, for me, for my family, for my children.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?" John 14:1-2