Happy Birthday

Dear Ryan,
Happy 6th birthday sweet boy!

How can it be?  I remember your dad holding you, seeing you take three breaths, holding you in my arms, feeling your weight and presence in this world.  I can't image that it has been 6 years since those moments.  I also remember telling you "its okay" and that you didn't need to fight anymore. Those words still break my heart, because I miss you so much.

I want to be selfish and beg for you back even if such a life on this Earth would have meant pain.  I want to see your eyes, hear you laugh, feel your weight and presence again.  If you were here, I would have taken the same day off of work, but it would have been to take cupcakes to at school.  To see your kindergarten classmates celebrate you, what I would give to trade cleaning a grave site for that moment.  But those wishes are selfish, the result of missing you to the depths of the oceans.

You are my son, but I know so little about you.  I know you taught me that strength and bravery do not limit tears and sadness, but often happen right along with them.  You taught me that love and grieve can be to complex to define.  You have taught me that just when I think I can't, I can.
Because of you, I have seen your dad as a pillar of strength and a dad of great gentleness.  Through you, I have seen how he longs to protect us all from pain and how one small boy can bring him to his knees in love.

Through you, I have seen your brother develop a faith and love in the unseen.  His love for you is indescribable and because of that love, he cherishes your brother, Luke.  Sean is so proud to be your brother and teaches us all how to live and love you every day.  Luke will know you because of your brother's love.

Ryan, you are ours', forever.  Thank you for all you have taught us and continue to teach us.  Happy birthday our beloved son!

Loving you forever,
Mom

Rainbows and Boys

The last time I wrote on here was days before Ryan's first birthday. It has been almost a year and a half since that day, and I found myself drawn back here. I have not written during that time, not because I do not miss and love Ryan greatly, but I found that for me to be a mom to Sean and a wife to Scott, I had to focus on the here and now in my home. Ryan remained in my thoughts constantly and has remained a significant part of our family. His birthday is celebrated and remembered. His name is said in our house regularly and his pictures grace our walls. My heart still aches to hold him in my arms and I still have the questions and the wonder of what he would be like today, would he be our adventuresome child or our laid back one. Would he look like his big brother...

Our family has had a big change since the last time I wrote. In May of 2012, we were excited to learn that we were expecting! I was pregnant with our Rainbow baby and was thrilled and scared beyond belief! I remember being scared to hope for a living child. I would prepare myself in my thoughts for how I would explain to Sean that another little brother would be in Heaven. But in the midst of those thoughts, I hung on to a thread of hope, the hope of being able to bring our child home. Throughout the pregnancy there would be moments of increased anxiety and then relief. The first ultrasound followed by the many others would begin with fears and end of tears of relief and incredible joy. There was one ultrasound were they saw a spot on our little one's heart...my heart started to break, but with reassurance and support, we hung in there to grasp the hope and knowledge that God was holding our little one and us and knew what he was doing. As we neared the end of the pregnancy, I was desperately ready to meet our little guy (yes, another boy!), but I was scared of that moment of delivery. I found myself in triage at 35 weeks scared that my fluid was leaking and then back there the next day with contractions. With a C-section scheduled for 39 weeks, I was on board with going into labor early, I needed to hold my son in my arms and know he was okay. I described myself as a paranoid and crazy pregnant woment. I was monitored at the doctor's office for lack of fetal movement and spent many moments laying on our couch at night begging our son to kick, turn over, just to move.

During the pregnancy I also found myself having to reassure Sean about his little brother. It really hit home, the hurt he felt when Ryan died, as he would tell me of fears that something would happen to this brother. We had several talks where I would re-explain what caused Ryan to die and talk about how he could not "catch" what happened to Ryan and that the doctors were watching this brother really close and he did not have what Ryan did. Sean loved to talk to his brother in my tummy and would always follow-up with a "goodnight" to Ryan in Heaven. He would hug my tummy and then reach his arms up the air extending a hug to his other little brother. It has been incredible to watch his love for both of his brothers!

On January 22nd, Scott and I headed to the hospital early in the morning ready to meet our newest son. At 7:42am, Luke Bradley, was born via C-section and screamed! His cry, which was loud and lasted for a long time, was the most wonderful sound I had heard, and the tears started to flow. God knew what I needed at that moment, because when Sean was born, the thing I remember hearing was "the cord's around his neck", and then when Ryan was born the room was silent, there were no crys. Luke let me know right away that he was here and the memory still feels surreal. How blessed we are.

















Sean met his little brother later that day, and was a proud big brother. He continues to be proud and talks to Luke and is already trying to teach him about school, transformers and everything else that is important to a 6 year old. He also continues to make sure that Ryan is included, often telling me that he has the best little brothers.


















I love to just hold my son, just to marvel in the miracle that he is. Luke's name means light and he is our light. He was our light at the end of a dark tunnel, our rainbow to remind us that in spite of the storm there is light and beauty. Ryan will always be our middle son, his name will be spoken in our home and he will be remembered and loved and now he gets to be a big brother...

As the day of Ryan's birthday gets closer, I have been thinking a lot about the past year and a half. I have been cherishing the memories of my moments with my son. I have been remembering those who have walked through the journey beside me and my family. In light of that, I wanted to share something that I read posted by another BLM ~


Just Because time has passed

doesn't mean that all is fine.

My sadness, and my grief

Hasn’t diminished with time.


... Just Because I am smiling

doesn't mean that I'm not down.

I cry for my little baby

when no one is around.


You ask me how I'm feeling,

but do you really want to know?

The moment I try telling you

You say you have to go


How can I tell you,

what it's been like for me

I am haunted, I am broken

By things that you don't see


You ask me how I'm holding up,

but do you really care?

The second I try to speak my heart;

You start squirming in your chair.


Everyone avoids me now,

because they don't know what to say

They tell me I'll be there for you,

then turn and walk away.


Call me if you need me,

that's what everybody said,

But how can I call you and scream

into the phone,

My God, my child is dead?


No one will let me

say the words that I need to say

Why does a mother's grief

scare everyone away?


I am tired of pretending

as my heart pounds in my chest,

I say things to make you comfortable,

but my soul finds no rest.


How can I tell you things

that are too sad to be told,

of the helplessness of holding a child

who in your arms grows cold?


You cannot imagine

what it was like for me that day

to place a final kiss upon that cheek,

and have to turn and walk away.


If you really love me,

and I believe you do,

if you really want to help me,

here is what I need from you.


Sit down beside me,

reach out and take my hand,

Say "My friend, I've come to listen,

I want to understand."


Just hold my hand and listen

that's all you need to do,

And if by chance I shed a tear,

it's all right if you do to.


I swear that I'll remember

till the day I'm very old,

the friend who sat and held my hand

and let me bare my soul.



I hope one day, no mom will ever know the pain of burying her child. I hope that one day, no mom will have to wonder what color her child's eyes were or only imagine the sound of her child's cry. But until that time, if you know a mom who has experienced the immeasurable grief of living without their child, here is my advice. Call their child by name, invite them to tell you about their child, remember their child with them. Don't be scared by their tears, what happened to them is not contagious. If it makes you feel awkard just try to imagine the hurt of not feeling comfortable talking about your child, because of being worried about making people uncomfortable or sad. My son may have only lived for two hours, but I am still a proud mother and I still want to say his name and tell you about him. When you ask me how many children I have, I will tell you that I have one living child, and by your response I will know if it is okay to tell you about my other wonderful and much loved child. Just remember, these children are gone to soon, but they will live forever in the hearts of those who love them.

One year

In 9 days it will be my son's first birthday. There will be no large gathering of friends and family at our house with a little one toddling around the room. Instead there will be a group of three with a cake and a few balloons visiting a cemetery. It seems like the closer we get to Ryan's birthday, the more Sean talks about his little brother. Today walking through a store, Sean saw some baby clothes and said that we should get some for Ryan, we could send them to Heaven. He mentions that he misses Ryan and that he wishes he could come back because there are things he needs to teach him. My heart just breaks.

It seems like the closer we get to one year, the more my heart aches. The tears are back. The anger is back. The hurt and sadness are right back at the surface. I feel like I am right back to the fresh emotions that I was experiencing when we got Ryan's diagnosis and when he was born. I don't think I was prepared for these emotions, but then again how do you prepare for any of this. I miss my son more than I could ever explain.



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D day

Where has a year gone? A year ago, I was still an innocent mom. A mom who thought every thing would be okay because I made it through the first trimester. Excited to find out if I would have another son or a daughter, but oblivious to what could be discovered. Diagnosis day was devastating, heart wrenching, traumatic and numbing. And it still feels like yesterday.

The anniversary of the day we were told of Ryan's diagnosis is bringing an overwhelming flood of emotions that I was not expecting. The memories of that day, the moments, the words, they haunt me. I remember joyfully sharing my sonogram pictures, leaving voicemails for my husband with boys names that I liked, and then getting a voicemail from my doctor asking for me to call her on her cell and my life changed forever.

The moments during that phone call, the empathy in my doctor's voice, the words she said. I remember sitting there writing words down as she said them. As I wrote the word "fatal" my heart shattered. I remember calling my coworker, and struggling to say the words. How do you explain that the child you are carrying will die? Then how do you call your husband at work and tell him that his son will die? That moment, having to tell my husband, my best friend, the father of my child, there are not words to describe that moment.

I don't think I was prepared for this wave of memories and emotions. I guess I had myself fooled, thinking I had locked everything away in a safe place. The problem is that my heart is still shattered and anything that I lock in there can still leak out.

Ryan, there is not an hour that goes by that I don't think of you, miss you, wonder how different our lives would be if you were here with us. I love you.




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Nine months

Dear Ryan,
Tomorrow you will be 9 months old and it aches in my heart that you are not growing up in my arms. I may not write as much anymore or talk about you as much, but I can promise that I still love, think of you all the time and ache to have you here with us. I am looking at a family picture right now from when you big brother was right around nine months and I wonder if you would look like him. Would you have the same fine hair or the same blue eyes? You had his mouth, that perfect sweet mouth. How I wish I could hold you right now, hug you tight, whisper in your ear that "mommy loves you". I wish I could watch you sleep tonight. But enough wishing, my wishes came true while I held you in my arms, no amount of time would have ever been enough. May you continue to watch over us from heaven and feel our love radiating to you.
Love,
Mommy


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The Redeemer

So, my four year old has a new favorite song. He wants to listen to it every morning and every afternoon (and would listen to it more, if I would let him). He sits in the back seat of my car and sings along to all of the words. Everyday, I listen to the words and realize how through his favorite song, I am receiving a daily message to guide me through my journey.


The Redeemer
~Sanctus Real

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

Storytelling

I haven't written much lately and I am really behind on the blogs I follow, but I find myself relaxing and getting a pedicure on a beautiful Saturday. Since it feels a little self indulgent to be pampering myself in the middle of the day, instead of being at home, I thought I would multitask to feel productive.

Probably about two months ago (maybe more, time doesn't always seem relative anymore!), I received a letter in the mail from the fetal and infant mortality board for the county where I live. When I first saw the letter, I was confused. I had some moments of panic thinking that they thought I did something to cause my son to die. The letter didn't say anything to that affect, but all I had to see was the words mortality review board and my imagination took off! I read the letter and put it aside, fully intending to follow-up in my own time (which probably meant never!). Several weeks letter when I had put the letter put of my mind, I received a call from a nurse with the review board asking to schedule a home visit to interview myself and my husband. Without being sure what to say, I just told her I needed to talk it over with my husband. My husband decided he was not comfortable with the request, which I truly understood. I decided, though, that I wanted the chance to talk about Ryan. When I was pregnant I had decided I would tell Ryan's story at any opportunity I was given and this was an opportunity. I did ask to not have the meeting at home and instead made arrangements to meet at a Starbucks (a delicious drink couldn't hurt!). So, on a Thursday afternoon, I took off early from work and was interviewed by a nurse from a mortality review board.

The meeting lasted two hours and we talked about everything from my previous pregnancy, my pregnancy with Ryan, learning of his diagnosis, Ryan's birth and death, and the time since his death. If a topic could be discussed it was. I was able to share all the positive aspects of my pregnancy and ideas of what could have brought more comfort knowing I was continuing a pregnancy when my child would not leave the hospital with me. For me, it was a wonderful opportunity to talk about Ryan! It was also a chance where I might be able to use my experience to benefit another mom who finds herself in this journey. At this time it was also explained me why they do these interviews. In the county where I live, the review board meets once a month and reviews all cases of fetal and infant death. They obtain data from medical records and when able from family interviews, with the hopes of identifying anything that can help reduce these situations. Apparently the infant mortality rate in the county where I live is higher than the national average. They also use the information gathered to make others aware of available resources and to ensure the moms and families are receiving these services. The board is comprised of doctors, nurses, social workers and others who have a chance to have a positive impact on BLMs.

I found out that just this past week Ryan's case was presented. Now, when they present the cases, all identifying information is reviewed, but I have a coworker who attends the meeting and she knew it was Ryan's story (helps when your child has a rare diagnosis). It was nice to be able to hear from her that his story was presented in a way that I would have been proud of and that it touched the members of the board. It feels good to know that his story continues, it did not end with his last breath.


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This is the stuff...8 months

8 months of empty arms.

8 months of hidden tears.

8 months of unanswered questions.

8 months of guilt, sadness, frustration, anger.

It has been 8 months, and some days I feel as empty in my gut as my arms are empty, aching.

I came across a song today "This is the Stuff" by Francesca Battistelli

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is my plan, to do what I can to focus on my blessings. To not just remember Ryan in sadness, but to remember the blessing of holding him in this live with the promise of the next.

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff you use

I haven't been writing too much lately. My mind just feels kind of empty, or maybe just full of thoughts that run through but don't stay long, so this may bit a bit of a rambling post.

Right now I am hanging out with my little man who is slightly under the weather. He keeps running low grade temps and then spiking a fever once or twice a day. We already have an appointment for him to see the pediatrician tomorrow, because I got a call from his daycare Friday that he was messing with his ears. For those who don't know, Sean has had ear infections since he was 3 months old. In fact by the time be was 10 months, he had 11 infections! At that point, he had ear tubes placed and while it took time we definitely noticed an improvement. We even got to experience a 6 month period of no doctor's appointments!!! Just about two months ago, Sean had a nasty ear infection (the drainage made my stomach turn!), but a good course of antibiotic ear drops and oral antibiotics and life was good again. Lately though, he has complained that when he yawns, he doesn't hear the same. Now add on the occasional fever and ear pain, and I am afraid there may be another ear infection! Of course, my mind doesn't stop there. My worrying mind seems to get carried away more now after loading Ryan. I just have a fear that someone else I love is going to get snatched away from me.

Every day is a balance of trying to live for the day while remembering the past and hoping for the future. I wish I could say I have found a good balance...I normally function by compartmentalizing. I put thoughts of Ryan and memories of him in a little pocket of my brain, tucked away for me to peek at when I am all alone. I am almost ashamed to admit a conversation from last week. I was at work and someone who works for another facility was up on the floor I work on and needless to say, this is not my favorite person. Nothing personal against him, but not someone I am comfortable around or who has come off as genuine in previous encounters. I normally manage to avoid him, but no such luck this day. Well, he came up to talk to me and proceeded to comment that I was pregnant the last time he saw me and I must have had my baby. I just looked at him and replied "my son died from a fatal genetic disorder". It worked, conversation over. So there you go, my lowest of lows. I used my son's death to get out of the conversation, now to my credit, I didn't bring up the topic.

Sorry, not a whole lot of positive thoughts going through my mind right now.

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Happy list

One big thing on my happy list -

A change in my work assignment! I had covered the same floors at the hospital I work at for 6.5 years and it was definitely time for a change. My new floors have a different pace, allowing for less stress, and a totally different opportunity. For the first time in a long time, I left work on time (or close to) almost everyday and I did not have a headache all week! I can't explain the difference more than that and that I had a coworker that commented that she hadn't seen me smile that much at work in a long time. I am hopeful that this change will allow me to tap into my grief to be a better social worker and that it will also allow me to be a better mom at home. My shoulders still feel tight, but hopefully in time, they will loosen up as well! I am grateful for my wonderful coworkers and my manager that recognized and understood my need for a change!

It is also nice to see the sun out this week!

Hoping and praying that all BLMs have a peaceful Mother's Day!


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Mother's Day

How can one day bring such joy and yet be a day of such heartache. Mother's Day has never been a big holiday in my family. Not that my mother was not deserving, she definitely was, but we just weren't a big holiday family. All holidays were celebrated in simplicity from Christmas to birthdays and everything in between!

But this year, when my grief feels so fresh (how can it have been 7 months!), the thoughts of Mother's day just bring about an ache. I love my 4 year old and look forward to hanging out with him! He is such a blessing to us, even on the days that I wonder if we will all survive to his next birthday! But the thing is, I love his baby brother, too! So while Sean can make laugh with his crazy antics and make my heart melt with his sweet songs, there is a part of my heart that still feels torn apart and I am not sure how to reconcile the pieces! This is the first holiday that keeps catching me off guard. I think I was still in shock, just still taking in everything that happened during the big holiday season (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc) and it was easy to just wrapped in Sean's excitement. But this holiday, it's about being a mother. There is no talk of turkeys, no talk of reindeers and Santa, just mothers and children. Mothers and children...oh, my heart.

I honestly don't know what the day will bring, I am sure there will be some tears, but I am hopeful there will be smiles, laughter and joy. For I am joyful to be the mom of two beautiful boys!

To all moms, happy Mother's day, may it be a day of peace, joy, some moments of remembrance, and hope.



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Happy List Saturday

I missed last week, but I am excited to join back in with Happy List Saturday today!

Date night with my husband!!! Actually got to have two date nights in the span of 4 days!!!


Yea for giveaways!!! I was very excited to receive this book from Raquel at Life After Jeremiah! Now to make some reading time!

Just found this at the store today and couldn't pass it up! It it kind of hard to read but it says "Life takes us to unexpected places. Love brings us back home."


Received this from a special friend as an early mother's day present. Absolutely love it!


Sean drew this picture this week at school! Since it is hard to decipher a four year old's drawing, I will help! Starting in the upper right hand corner is the sun. Then in the middle of the top of the paper is God (brown) holding Ryan (blue) ~ can you see a mother's tears when receiving this! The zig zags are the clouds and on the bottom is Daddy (green), Lucy ~ dog (red), Mommy (purple) and Sean (orange). Best family picture ever! And, no I am not biased :)

Hope everyone has a wonderful week. Thinking off all the other mothers parenting a child in Heaven on International Babylost Mothers Day (May 1st).

Hurts

Warning, this is not a happy post. This is not a feel good post. This is a mom who is overwhelming frustrated with herself. This is a mom who is letting the tears flow. This is a mom whose heart aches and normally only shares part of the hurt, who is scared to admit to everything, scared to face all the thoughts that run through my head.

I have said that I don't regret anything about my decision to carry ryan in spite of the terminal diagnosis. But what I don't talk about are the regrets I do have. I don't like to talk about them because I want to feel like I truly treasured every moment of my time with Ryan. But they are there, no matter how much I try to ignore them. So now, I am giving myself over to them with the hope that if I write about them, it will release them.

I regret that I was upset that Ryan's due date was at Thanksgiving. At the time, I was feeling selfish and did not want to miss spending my favorite holiday with my family. Turns out I got to spend it with my family and now I am so angry with myself for having those thoughts! How could I have ever felt that way!

I regret not talking to Ryan more during the pregnancy. I have never been one of those moms to talk to my child while they are in my belly, but why didn't I do it when I knew it was the only time I had! Why didn't I tell him the stories of his mom and dad? Why didn't I tell him about his big brother? Why didn't I tell him about all the places we took him? Why did his big brother talk to him and tell him stories more than his mommy?

I regret not taking more pictures when I was pregnant and had Ryan with me! I only have two pictures! It is like my time with him is missing!

I am struggling with functioning as a mom. I disappoint and frustrate myself every day. We are going through a very trying phase with Sean right now and every day I struggle to just figure out how to be an effective parent, how to be a loving mom, how to set boundaries but allow choices so that my son grows up as a compassionate, loving, independent individual. Yes, I know that he is 4 and I am doing the best I can. Just right now, it's not good enough. I want to blame it on something - stress at work, grief, being tired - but none of that makes my heart feel better.

There it is, all out there, maybe now my heart can start to heal.

Easter

It is hard to imagine that last Easter, I was blissfully unaware of what life had in store for me. I was excited to be pregnant and enjoying imagining the future of my family. It wasn't all blissful innocence, though. I remember after the Good Friday service, talking to my pastor, and telling him about the pregnancy. At the time I was being worked up for some autoimmunine disorders (which all came back fine) and had some fears/concerns about how that could impact my pregnancy. I truly had no idea that Ryan's life was already destined to be brief.

Lately, being at church, has truly stirred some struggles in my soul. I am back to crying every service so now I prepare ahead of time with the waterproof mascara to try to keep my tears secret. It used to be the songs that would evoke the tears, but now it is the silence, the moments of talking to God. In those moments, I can barely form thoughts, much less any meaningul sentences. Instead words will simply run through my head and tears will roll down my face. See, I want to say that I rejoice for my son, that I am so glad that he is in his enternal home, but I still struggle with wanting him here, in my arms. I want to understand the purpose of his life and the purpose of this trial for my family.

Last Sunday, during the sermon there was discussion about being dissapointed in God. That is a dangerous topic for me. I admit it, I am disappointed. I am ashamed to even admit it, but I am. There is no explaination, it is just simply that. It still hurts, the grief is still ever present, I just don't talk about it, except here. Throughout this journey, I have continued to go to church, even in my anger and disappointment, simply because of faith. Faith and hope in the Easter story. Today it was said that because of the resurrection, "death is not death". Because our God sacrificed his son, I can live in hope of holding my son in my arms again. Without that hope, I don't know that I could do this. I know I may never know the "why" for Ryan's story, but I continue to hope that one day I will feel at peace. I trust in a God who can understand my suffering, who sent his own son to suffer, for me, for my family, for my children.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?" John 14:1-2

Names

I am joining up with Rachel at A Lasting Footprint for the What's in a Name Blog hop.

Both of my sons' names were chosen during pregnancy. We never made a list and I can't even remember what other names made the list for either of our boys!



Sean Michael
My husband came up with the name Sean just out of nowhere and it just felt right! Of course, at the time he did not share with me that he came up with the name from Sean Connery!!!! After we ha decided on the name Sean, I looked up the meaning and it just fit - God is gracious. What a perfect name from our gift. We were so blessed by Sean.

Sean's middle name, Micheal, he shares with his daddy (also his middle name). I actually just looked up the meaning of Michael (hadn't before because, he was just carrying on his daddy's name) and it means - like God/gift from God. Sean is definitely a gift from a gracious God.



Ryan James
We had not picked out or even discussed names during the early part of my pregnancy with Ryan. We were holding off on the discussion until we knew if we were having a boy or girl. Then we got hit by the bombshell of a fatal diagnosis on the same day we learned we were going to have another son. The day after we received this news, my husband and I were out trying to be "normal" and eating lunch at the cheesecake factory (I like to try to cope with good food). Sitting at that table, I told my husband that I needed to name my son. Within minutes we knew his name. Please don't think that we came up with a name quickly because it didn't matter, we came up with a name quickly because it was the perfect name for our child. Neither Ryan or James was a name that we had ever discussed before, but they were placed on our hearts. When I looked up the meaning of the name Ryan, it brought tears to my eyes - little king (thus Our Little King). How perfect the name was. Our son was diagnosed with a fatal form of dwarfism, but no matter how small his stature, he would rule our hearts. His importance does not lie in his size or the length of his life, his legacy will be much greater.

I did not realize at the time and only recently learned that James is a family name - from my great grandfather. James is normally listed as meaning supplanter, but I prefer the meaning - grasping at the heel. It reminds me of how Ryan grasped to life to have those moments with us. How he fought to take those few breathes.

The names for our boys never came from a list, they just came, almost as if they choose us.

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Happy Moments

Excited to be sharing another list of happy moments! As I mentioned in my list last week, I had a day off!!!!! It was a random, Tuesday, and it was the first time I just took a day off for me. I really needed it (I probably need a mental health week!). I used my day to treat myself to a manicure and pedicure! Look - still looking good!

On Friday, when picking Sean up from daycare, one of the boys in his class walked right up to me and handed me this picture. May seem a little strange, but I can explain (well, why it was significant, not why he knew to give it to me ~ that explaination belongs to someone greater than me). When I sat down with Sean to explain to him that his little brother would not be able to come and grow up with him, he asked a few questions, then when satisfied, hopped off the chair, picked up his stuffed lion and named him Ryan. That stuffed lion was then placed by Ryan's casket at his graveside service. Needless to say, there is a special place in my heart for little lions.

Another weekend, another family outing! This time to the arts festival in our town, we are there every year! Here is my little artist (if you look, you might notice a football theme!).

The best moment of the week was this morning. When I was joined by 6 friends to walk at the March for Babies in memory of Ryan. I had been hesitant about doing the walk, for several different reasons to long to explain in this list. But a few weeks ago, I was approached by a co-worker who asked if I would want to do the walk and if I would mind if a group walked in Ryan's memory! I was so touched and still hesitant, but decided to go for it and I am so glad I did. It was a great experience and I am already thinking about next year!

Hoping everyone has a happy week!

Relaxing

Today was my day to relax. I took a "mental health" day from work and made plans to get a haircut and redeem a spa gift card with a manicure and pedicure. Throw in a little shopping, some new shoes and it is a pretty perfect day! Except, I determined that when I relax, my mind lets it's walls down and the thoughts/memories come running in. Now, don't get me wrong, it was a good day, just struggled with some thoughts.

So, the pedicure was awesome!!!! It was called "ultimate" and was a definite indulgence for me. The pedicure chair laid back, so it was like taking a nap. I also had a warm wrap around my neck and an "eye pillow". There was a breathing exercise with aromatherapy at the beginning and then silence. Silence and darkness, the perfect combination for thoughts. It started out as a conversation with God, a pretty honest one. Thankfully, God knows my heart so hopefully he could make out the jumble of the conversation. I know I told him that I feel lost and angry. I told him that I don't know where to go from here. I told him I miss my son and begged to know that my son is ok. I talked to him about being scared even thinking about having another child. I told him how much I am currently struggling to figure out how to effectively parent Sean and how to always ensure that he knows he is loved.

As the pedicure continued, I could feel the tears welling up and I was grateful for that eye pillow! As she was scrapping off my calluses (great image, isn't it?!?!), I thought about how that is what I am going through in life. I have all these rough spots, where I try to protect myself. Calluses that block in the thoughts of sadness, the memories of holding my son's delicate body in my hand, the memories of my pregnant tummy when he was still with me, safe. I block the thoughts of regrets, the handprints I don't have, the words I did not say, the preparations I did not have time for, the pictures I don't have from my pregnancy. I block the memories of the hurtful things that were said to me, the memories of those who ignored my pregnancy because that I was easier than talking to me about my dying son, who is still my son. I block it all away, in an effort to block the pain.

The problem is there are cracks in the calluses and that pain and sadness still leaks through. And it just keeps coming, because instead of walking in my pain, acknowledging it, I hide from it. But I am trying to work on my own calluses, trying to smooth over, working to incorporate my pain and memories into who I am and who I want to be. Realizing that by doing that, I will be able to honor Ryan.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Happy list!

Another weekend (as I am a day late!), another happy list! Still a great way for me to focus on the positive moments from the past week.

A nice Friday commute (both to and from work!). To fully understand the happiness, you must know that I only drive about 20 miles each way, but easily takes 50 minutes to an hour. To add to that, Sean rides with me. Now, I love having that time with my son but when traffic is barely moving and I am stressed about getting to work on time, or exhausted after a long day of work, the never ending questions of a 4 year old, can grate on the most patient nerves. So anytime the commute ends up taking less time, especially on a Friday, it is a happy moment!!!

Follow that with some time to myself this morning!!! Just to ride in the car, sing to my own music with no one listening or just having some moments of silence!!

Family time - last weekend at day out with Thomas (dream come true for a 4 year old little boy!)

and then a crawfish festival (for my other boy) today!

A girls night! Always a much needed and much enjoyed evening that includes good food and DESSERT! I love sweets!

The anticipation of a day off (more to come next week!)

Great friends who took the initiative to form a team for the March for Babies in memory of Ryan (more to come on that as well!)

All in all, a pretty good week! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Blog Party

I have decided to join up with the 2011 Ultimate Blog Party hosted by 5 Minutes for Mom. For those who don't know me, that is totally out of my comfort zone. I don't like to put myself put there for others to read about, but this past year has changed how I think about a lot of things. Come join the party by clicking on the button above!

Here is all about me and my blog!

I am a 31 year old working mom. I am married to an amazing man who has seen me at my best and at my worst and loves me in spite! I work as a medical social worker, which can be stressful and rewarding at the same time. This past year I have been refined by my role as a mom. I have a beautiful, vivacious, crazy (in a god way) 4 year old son. I am also mom to a beautiful son in heaven.

I started my blog as a way to keep family and friends informed during my pregnancy with Ryan, after we learned of his fatal diagnosis. It has allowed me an environment to brag about my child whose life was 29 weeks and 5 days while I carries him and 1 hour and 57 minutes while his dad and I held him in our arms. As his mom, I have found this blog as a way to share his story and connect with an amazing community of other moms whose children are inspiring others from their heavenly homes.

This blog has been my place to process my grief, to share the thoughts I can't speak. It has been my place to share moments of unmeasurable sadness and those moments when joy has snuck back in my life. It has also become a place where I can keep memories of my older son and share my challenges and struggles for personal growth.

Simply, this blog is where my heart finds words and healing.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone